Journals
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: When Stuart Pot woke from his year long coma his doctor told him to keep journals to help him with his memory and his mind blocks. These are his entries. (Journal POV, phases 0 through 3)
1. Chapter 1

Hi…Er….Dear Journal; I don't know how to begin this stupid thing. My doctor told me to do this because it could help with my memory or something like that. I wasn't really paying too much attention to what the bloke was saying, I feel….Guess I should explain more?

My name is Stuart Pot, not Tusspot like the dull nurse keeps on calling me. I just woke up from a year long coma. I don't remember a whole lot; the last thing I really really remember was being at work at my uncle's shop. I was behind the counter then a car came through the large plate window. It ran right over me, I remember a bit of shouting them some real creepy laughter. That's it until five days ago when I woke up. I woke up face down on the pavement and everything in my face and body hurt like a bitch. I felt real strange and confused like I'd just woken up from a binder or something like that. I stood up and there were all these drunk guys and birds looking at me and they looked real freaked out….Then I passed out again.

Next time I woke up I was here in this stupid hospital. My mom was here when I woke up she was crying and seemed a bit scared but happy that I was awake. Everybody was acting real strange like they were keeping something from me. The doctor told me I suffered three real bad head…Crap what word did he use, I don't know but I hurt my head really badly. He said I might be a bit dumb basically, I feel dumb. Not like I've ever been real smart, but now its like…I can't…It's hard to remember things and even writing right now I can't think of words I want to say or write down, it's giving me a migraine even right now.

The other thing I remember when I woke up and everyone was looking at me funny was this bloke in the corner of the room near the window. He was standing there like if he stood still enough and far away enough then maybe nobody would know he was even there. At first I thought maybe he wasn't even there. He had greasy black hair hanging in fringes down over his face almost completely covering his eyes, he had real weird eyes; one was brown and the other was a bright red a bit like blood….His nose looked all busted up like he'd lost a fight, his skin was dirty, hell all of him looked dirty. Even the black shirt he wore was dirty and the sleeves were ripped off…..He just stood there kinda staring at me and I tried not looking back cause he creeped me out a bit and I wasn't sure if anybody else could see him.

The doctor pulled me out of watching this guy who might not be there at all. He was talking on and on about my eyes and I couldn't get what he meant. He seemed like he didn't know how to tell me so finally he just handed me a mirror. There were cuts and bruises all over my face from where I'd slid face first against the pavement and both my eyes were….Are….I don't know they look like they were completely knocked outta my head. If I look close enough at them I can just BARELY make out a little bit of white, but mostly when I look close enough I see they aren't black and empty they are filled up with blood.

I cried for an hour straight when I saw my eyes. My mum and dad tried to comfort me and tell me it was alright and they still loved me no matter what I look like but I could tell that how I looked scared them. After a bit everyone left except for the mystery guy in the corner of the room.

He waited until everyone was gone to come over to me and sit down on the chair next to my bed. He leaned in real close to my face, tilted his head to the side as he looked at me. Almost like he was looking at a painting or something.

"Pretty"

That was the first word he had spoken, pretty. I didn't get it, I still don't, but I liked his voice it was rough. He leaned back in his chair after that and told me his name was Murdoc Niccals and he had been the one who put me in my coma then pulled me out of it. I guess he saved me then, when I thanked him he looked really confused. He told me I shouldn't be so upset about my eyes because they look fine to him, he told me he'd been to Hell and has seen way weirder things than me. I think he might be crazy, but he seems really cool.

He told me he'd come back and see me again today; he had some stuff to do. I think I'm gonna stop writing in here and sleep some.


	2. Chapter 2

Paula my girlfriend came today, well not really my girlfriend….Not right now anyways. The minute that she looked at my face she went all pale and looked like she was gonna scream or something like that. I asked her if she was alright and she kind of stayed in the doorway like she was too scared to come in the room, to come anywhere near me. I knew it, I knew I looked like a complete freak; a total monster. She told me she missed me and she was glad I'm alright, but she doesn't think she can do this right now. She told me that she isn't breaking up with me, but we need to take a break. I asked why and she just left like she couldn't handle looking at me anymore.

After she was gone I started crying and hitting my hands against my head. They gave me more pain killers and I spent most of the day sleeping, the only reason that I even woke up was because that guy; Murdoc showed up like he said that he would. He came late at night when no one was around, I asked him why he did that, and he told me my parents and even the doctors weren't really all too happy with him. That's why he had been hanging around in the back of the room the day I woke up.

He must have noticed I'd been crying because he asked what had happened. He didn't really seem concerned, not sure why he would be; we don't know each other. I told him my girlfriend just dumped me because of how I look; he said she must be a real bitch to be that shallow. I wanted to tell him not to talk about her that way, but who am I kidding? She told me she loves me more than anything and would be with me no matter what….A year in a coma and she leaves me cause I don't look good anymore.

Murdoc explained to me how I had stayed with him the whole time I was in the coma. He didn't want to take care of me, he only did it because it was that or jail time. He said he'd been in jail one too many times to want to go there again for a hit and run. He told me that my mom gave him plenty of hell when she'd come and check on how he was treating me. I'm not really shocked, I'm her only son she's always been protective. I feel bad for him though, not like he ran over me on purpose; it just happened, he couldn't do anything about it.

He told me a lot of stuff about Satanism when I asked about the upside down cross necklace he wears. He told me he got into it when he was a teenager, that between that and metal those were the only things that made him feel okay. He told me a little bit about his family and where he was from; said he never knew his birth mom but he had a lot of step moms that he really cared about. He told me his dad used to be really mean to him and that his older brother Hannibal used to be just as mean, but that he always kind of idolized his brother.

He doesn't seem to like talking about them much; when he does he kind of just looks down at the floor and shrugs a lot like he doesn't want to make a big deal out of his childhood. I'm going to try and remember to not ask him too much about it, I don't want to upset him.

I told him a little about myself; I couldn't tell if he was actually interested or just faking it to make me happy. Either way it was nice to have somebody to talk to, somebody who can look me in my creepy eyes without looking ill or scared. He treats me like I'm normal and I like that, I really appreciate him for it. He did ask me why my hair is blue, I told him it's because I fell out of a tree when I was little. He thought that was a stupid reason, but told me he likes blue so it doesn't matter too much.

I asked him if he would keep coming to see me until I was out of the hospital. He kind of smiled a bit and said he would, it's kind of nice when he smiles; it was the first time I really saw him do it. He seems like he's guarded and moody a lot of the time, but when we talk he seems more relaxed. When he talks I look at him a lot, just stare really; he's kind of pretty.

I want to be friends with him, he brought me out of my coma, and had to take care of me for a year; I feel like I owe him a lot for all of that. I wonder if my parents will get over it, he doesn't seem completely terrible.


	3. Chapter 3

The doctor told me that I'm doing well and I could leave at the end of the week. I walked around my hospital room for a bit today, my legs feel all stiff, and I just feel gross like I haven't moved for a long time; well I guess that I really haven't moved for a really long time. A whole year, can't believe I missed so much time…

Mom came to see me today; she comes every day to visit me. I think she's getting used to my eyes being all weird, she seemed less nervous. The only bad thing was that Murdoc came while she was still here. It got really tense when she saw him walk into the room; he didn't seem too bothered by it, I kinda think he's used to moms being mad with him. She asked him why he was there and who let him in. He told her he was here to see his mate and nodded in my direction, she didn't really like him calling me his mate. He smirked at her then came over to sit on the edge of my bed. I kept on waiting for my mom to start yelling at him but she never did, she just looked like if she didn't leave soon then she'd blow up or something.

I told her not to be mad at him, that I like him, and he didn't mean to hurt me. She tried to argue with me telling me he'd run over me and nearly killed me, but I told her that didn't matter, because I wasn't angry with him about it. Murdoc seemed pleasantly surprised by what I said. Mom seemed to give up at that point, she kissed the top of my head, said she needed to go do something, and then left.

After she left Murdoc asked me why I defended him. I don't know why I did it, I just shrugged because I still don't know. He's weird and sometimes he makes me feel uneasy but over all he seems like he could be a really good guy. Mom doesn't need to be mad at him like that, I plan on being friends with him for a long time.

We talked for awhile; he told me he had a band but they weren't really good, because he'd been the only talented one out of the whole group. I told him I could play keyboard and after that we talked about music for an hour or two. He seems more animated and happy when he's talking about music; it's one of the few topics that he seems to know a lot about. From what he's told me he's been in more bands than he can even remember anymore.

Before he left he told me he still had some of my clothes back at his flat and that I could come with him to get them at the end of the week or my mom could pick them up for me. I could tell that he wanted me to go with him, I'm not sure why; he's odd so maybe I'm reading too much into that. I told him I'd go with him to pick my clothes up, he smiled a bit when I said that.

I can't wait to get out of this place. I feel like I've missed my whole life, I'm a year older than I was. It feels like I was asleep for a few hours then I woke up to be told it'd been over a year and my eyes are black.

I haven't seen or heard from Paula since she sort of dumped me. I want to be mad at her but I can't, not really….I mean I look fucking horrible, like a monster in a movie or something like that. I can't blame her for not wanting to look at me, maybe she'll get used to how I look and….and maybe she'll come around again, I'll have to give her a call after I get out of the hospital. I don't really think I could get anybody else to even want me right now, I feel bad for not being able to be with her for over a year. I still wonder about how she felt when they told her I had been run over by a car.

I need to stop thinking about her, right now anyways. It's hard though, I've hardly had any girlfriends and this is one of the better ones.

I think I'm gonna walk around some more, maybe take another shower; I feel like I can't bathe enough, I'll write in here later…Probably after I get out of this stupid place.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry that I haven't written in here for a few days, there wasn't that much going on for me to write….Not too sure why I'm apologizing to a notebook though..

Oh I'm out of the hospital, I got out yesterday. Mom was supposed to come and take me home, but I told her not to because Murdoc was going to pick me up. She kinda went all tense and quiet after that then asked if that was a good idea. I told her I thought so and asked why she didn't think so; she couldn't really come up with a reason for me to not go with him. I felt a bit bad for doing it when she didn't want me to, but I'm an adult and I'm not too dumb.

Murdoc told me he had to get a new car after the first time he ran over me cause my face wrecked it, then he had to get another one after the second time because well I kinda broke the windscreen with my head.

The flat that he lives in is really crappy looking on the outside, the inside is even worse. A lot of porn magazines and alcohol bottles lying around everywhere. I didn't say anything though, didn't wanna sound rude or whatever. I can't believe mom let me live here with him for a year.

He had my clothes packed up in a suitcase, but told me he wanted me to stay a bit. I noticed he had at least fifty keyboards lying around the living room. I went over to one of them and just started playing; I just really wanted to see if I even remembered how to play since I've been out of it for over a year. Next thing I knew I was kind of singing to myself, some song on the radio I'd heard before my accident. I stopped when I noticed Murdoc staring at me; he asked me where I learned to play and I told him I've been playing keyboard for a real long time. He told me I can sing really well, like an angel. I didn't even know that I could sing, after that he offered to let me live in his flat with him so I wouldn't have to live with my parents anymore.

I know I barely know the bloke and he's really kind of creepy, but he's alright. So I agreed, I'm going to go over to my parents' house and get the rest of my stuff and move it in here. I don't think my mom will react well to it, but like Murdoc told me; I'm an adult, plus he told me he's gonna start a new band and he wants me to be the singer and keyboard player in it. Isn't that awesome?

Maybe when I tell my parents that part they'll be less upset about me living with him.


	5. Chapter 5

I've been living with Murdoc for a couple of weeks now. Mom calls me constantly, asking if I'm alright; she really doesn't trust him. He isn't too bad; he drinks a lot, smokes pot, and gets annoyed pretty easily. There's still something about him though; something that attracts me to him….That sounds gay doesn't it?

I don't mean it that way, er well not entirely….I guess….I don't know.

Sometimes he looks at me a certain way and I kind of wonder. He's always telling me how pretty I am and that even if I ruined his life for a year he's happy that he hit me with his car. I think it's just stuff that he likes to say when he's smoked a lot of weed or when he's really drunk. He told me it was hard to get birds to come back to his flat while he had been taking care of me.

I asked him if my girlfriend ever dropped by or talked to him. He said he'd never seen her until the second accident when none of them were allowed to see me yet. He said she was yelling and slapped him across the face. He hadn't seen or heard from her before or after that, he told me I can do better than a bird like her. After that he switched and started talking about our band, well his band. He said he'll play bass, he also told me he sold his soul to this demon guy…I can't remember the name but he's got like a crown of flies or something like that….Anyway Murdoc sold his soul to this demon bloke so he could become a famous rock star. I asked him why he would do something like that, I mean it's his soul; doesn't that mean he's gonna be killed or something like that one of these days?

He didn't want to answer me until the other night when he was drunk. I didn't know what he was talking about at first, sometimes he does that. I'll ask something that he doesn't want to answer right away and then a day or a week later he'll just start talking answering a question I already forgot all about. He told me he sold his soul for fame because he had a really horrible life growing up. His dad used to force him into these sort of talent shows at local pubs and if he didn't do well his dad would break his teeth or beat him with this walking stick of his. He said he sold his soul so he could feel like he has power, like he's finally in control of his life for once.

I wanted to tell him that I don't get how he has control over his life now. He went from his dad using him to a demon using him, but I know not to argue or question him on certain things….he looks sad when he's talking about his childhood. It makes him look less angry, sadder and a hell of a lot younger. It makes me kind of want to hug him and tell him its okay.

He's really crazy but he's my mate and I owe him my life and soul for saving me and giving me a place to live.

I finally heard him play bass the other day; he's really talented, like really talented. He told me he's always loved music because it makes him feel more at home. I don't get how his other bands haven't worked out well, he seems really talented, and like he knows a lot about the music business. He told me when we really start getting a band together that we need to move somewhere else, get a bigger house; something like a mansion or a castle; that way we'll feel like big rock stars and then we'll get noticed even quicker. It doesn't make any sense, but he really loves the plan so I go along with it. That's how it is with a lot of things, he has this all planned out. He's shown me some lyrics he's written, one of them is called Clint Eastwood; he told me he's really into old films and actors, that and he's usually high when he writes song lyrics.

The phone is ringing, it's probably my mom calling to check and make sure Murdoc hasn't killed me or something yet.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm really happy right now and sort of confused.

I'm happy because I was out last night just walking around, Murdoc wanted me out cause he had a girl over. So I was walking and I ran into Paula and she told me that she had tried calling my mom to see if I was there and mom told her I had moved out. She told me she'd been trying to get hold of me for the past few days cause we really needed to talk about us.

Us, I'm so happy to hear that.

So we went into this kind of empty pub and sat there talking. She told me that she's sorry about how she reacted, but it had been a shock to see me looking this way and it still kind of was. She told me that she still loves and cares about me, she thought I was gonna die and stuff like that. She even told me she hadn't been with anybody since I was in my coma or anything.

She asked if I wanted to get back together with her and I didn't even have to think about it. Of course I wanna be with her, I even told her everything about how I'm living with Murdoc now and how we're starting our own band and how we need a guitarist. I told her that she could play guitar in our band, we used to sit in my room sometimes and I'd play keyboard while she would play guitar…It was really nice; she seemed really happy about the idea.

We went back to her flat and well….Caught up.

Next day we went back to Murdoc's and he was hung over but awake. He didn't seem really happy to see Paula; I remember how he told me he doesn't like her at all. I told him that we're back together and she said she's sorry for everything and she's working getting over my new look and everything. He still didn't seem really happy about it, but he'll get over it. When I told him she's gonna be our new guitarist he hit me upside the head and told me it'd happen over his dead body then stormed out of the room.

I don't get why; like I get he doesn't like her, but I'm not really sure why or why he seemed kind of…I don't know….Not really angry, hurt maybe he just looked off when I told him that I'm back with Paula; like I really just hurt him somehow.

I'm happy I'm back with her, I really love her. She's moving in tonight; I'm not gonna tell Murdoc cause he's still really pissed about her in general….He'll get over it though, right?


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm useless but not for long"

I don't know it's a line from the song Clint Eastwood that Murdoc wrote. A lot of it doesn't make much sense to me, he told me that's because I'm stupid, but I'm pretty and all I need to do is sing the songs that he writes. I asked him what that line meant, why he would say something like that about himself but he only told me it was just a line and he was smoking weed when he wrote the song, that and if I asked him one more idiotic question he was going to punch me in the face.

He's been this way ever since Paula moved in with us. Last night we were all in the living room drinking and working on the song Ghost Train. Paula started kissing me then ended up on my lap, Murdoc threw a bottle against the wall next to where we were sitting then stormed out of the room. I don't get what's up with him, whatever it's not really my problem.

Paula was out of the house most of this morning so I thought maybe I'd talk to him about what's going on. He kept on avoiding me like he didn't want to be around me, he ended up in his room so I went in after him. He was on his bed playing bass and singing quietly to himself. Whatever he was singing sounded really sad, I asked him what it was and he told me it was just some crap he'd written that didn't concern me. I asked what the hell his problem was; he got angry and started telling me I was his problem. We basically spent a good fifteen minutes screaming at each other, the only reason that we stopped was because Paula came back and told us to shut up because our yelling was giving her a headache.

Murdoc told me to go with my 'skank of a girlfriend', shoved me out of his room, and slammed the door locking it once I left. I keep thinking about it; it's been giving me a headache trying to figure out what his problem is with me. We were alright for awhile, sometimes we still are, but when Paula's around or when I bring her up while we're talking he gets really pissed off. I want to talk to my mom about it, but she'd just try to get me to move back in with her and dad. Maybe I should just call dad and talk to him about it, he used to tell me about working with guys who acted like Murdoc; they just got really weird and moody sometimes for no real reason…I don't know, I don't know if I should talk to Murdoc about it….I really want to, but….He just doesn't want to, he's still my mate I just wish that he would stop acting like he can't stand me all of the sudden.


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry that I haven't updated in here for awhile….Not sure why I'm sorry, I mean it is my journal, diary thing….So I'm the only one who is ever gonna see any of this, if anybody else was ever gonna see it I don't think I'd write a lot of things in here.

I guess I should start with Murdoc being a complete prick. It's been that way for awhile now, ever since Paula moved in with us. A couple of weeks ago he told us he found us a new place to live, completely quality, and free. It's really huge; it's called Kong Studios. There's even a grave yard on the property, it's pretty neat except it's actually supposed to have zombies in it and stuff….This place is really creepy. My room is out in the car lot; Murdoc told me he wanted me to stay out there because he also bought himself a Winnebago which he keeps out in the car lot near where my room is. I don't get why, not like we even talk too much anymore; when we do talk we just get in fights. He usually says something about Paula and how I shouldn't even be with her, I think he's jealous.

We got a drummer the other day. His name is Russel Hobbs; he's really huge, hip hop guy who is supposed to be possessed by his dead friends. He's really nice; it's cool having somebody to talk to. I just feel bad that he didn't really wanna come here; Murdoc kidnapped him and wouldn't let him go until he promised to join our band. He told me that he could have snapped Muds neck in half, but he didn't because he feels bad for me and thinks our songs sound pretty good. I don't get why Russel feels bad for me, people keep on saying that to me. They feel bad for me or they tell me not to take so much crap, I don't get it, but it's what everybody keeps on telling me.

We have a few demos we've been sending out. We haven't gotten anybody though, Muds says it's because of Paula's guitar playing; he says she's like Yoko or Courtney Love. I don't get what that means, but I don't like him being mean to her.

I mean….I love her a lot, we haven't gotten on too well lately; well we have but….It's weird she's always hanging around Murdoc and looking at him. I don't get it, it doesn't mean anything right?


	9. Chapter 9

I can't believe him. I can't believe her. I can't believe either of them, I can't believe he did this to me. I fucking trusted him and he did this to me.

I guess I should explain what I can't believe.

I was walking around and I heard yelling coming from the restroom so I went in to see what was going on and I saw Russel standing there with Murdoc pinned against the wall and Murdoc's face was all bloody and he was half naked then I saw Paula standing off to the side yelling and she barely had anything on. She was busy trying to pull her shirt back on and Russ was yelling that he couldn't believe Murdoc would do something this stupid and he told Paula to get out. It took a few seconds before they noticed that I was standing there, Russel couldn't think of anything much to say so he just told me he's sorry. I asked what was going on, I mean I know what was going on I'm not THAT stupid that I can't figure out that my best mate shagged my fucking girlfriend. Murdoc told me it wasn't his fault and that it was her idea and he didn't even wanna do it, I could hardly get myself to look at him but I made myself look him in the eye long enough to yell at him to just shut the fuck up. I didn't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it; I don't wanna hear anything that he has to say to me, I just kept telling him to shut his mouth and I don't want to hear anything from him because I don't believe him and…..

Paula didn't seem to care, she just seemed kind of awkward I guess. I told her to get out of my house, that she's out of the band, and I never want to see her again. She got really angry at me before running off.

I kind of remember Murdoc started talking again except his voice was really quiet like he was too scared to actually say anything to me. I don't know what he was saying, I don't care; I left the room. I've been locked up in my bedroom for a long time now, Murdoc followed me at first he was knocking on the door and trying to talk to me and then he finally gave up but I don't think that he ever left. A couple of minutes ago he was knocking and talking through the door again, saying he's sorry and he always told me that she's no good for me, and that he really wishes he hadn't done it. I didn't say anything, he finally stopped but I'm pretty sure that he's still out there. He looked scared when I did look at him, a very very small part of me kind of felt bad for yelling at him and just the way he was looking at me….I don't know what it is or what it meant or why I even feel bad for being mad at him. I shouldn't feel bad; he should never have done that. She was my girlfriend; if he could ever get a girlfriend I never would do this to him.

The funny thing about it is I don't care as much about her cheating on me and using me, I'm more upset that he could do this to me.


	10. Chapter 10

I thought about leaving the band, I really did. I even had my bags all packed up and told my mom I was thinking about coming back home because this whole stupid band thing wasn't working for me. She seemed pretty happy about that, she really doesn't trust or like Murdoc….I don't either, not right now anyways. He freaked out when he saw that I had my bags packed; he didn't believe I was smart enough to be angry at him for what he did to me. Of course I'm angry and of course I was serious when I said I was going to leave….Just I never left.

After Paula left he started sending out flyers and holding auditions for new a new guitarist. When he wasn't busy with that he was busy with trying to make me start talking to him again.

Whenever I'd enter a room while he was in it he would just watch me kind of like how somebody would watch somebody with a loaded gun. Completely scared almost, like he was just waiting for it to happen; he makes me feel like shit, he makes me feel bad for being mad with him. I'm the only actual friend he has had, I think about that and I feel like a prick for treating him this badly. Badly…I treat him badly…..Whatever it isn't like I'm leaving, I don't think that I am anyways.

Why?

Well weird thing, another weird thing to add to my long long list of weird thing in Stu Pot's life. We got this huge box outside of Kong, carried it in, and it said it was from Japan. We sort of just figured it was some God knows what that Murdoc ordered off of the internet, but he kept saying he hadn't ordered anything. So we got it open and when we looked inside there was a little Japanese girl. Not a doll, an actual living breathing girl. I don't know why or who, but one of the guitarist wanted flyers were in the box with her. I don't think she even realized she'd been shipped from Japan to England, she just had these headphones on and a red guitar in her hand.

We got her out of the box and sat her down on the couch. We tried talking to her; y'know get her name or where her mom and dad were at, but she just sort of looked at us like we were odd to her. She doesn't speak any English, well she speaks a very little bit of English. Only word that she can say is 'noodle'. When we would ask her name she just told us noodle so we kind of have just assumed her name might be Noodle. Dumb name if it is, even though I guess 2D is a dumb name….We still don't know why she's here; she doesn't seem scared or anything like that, it's funny she acts almost like she's lived here all her life or knows us. She's gotta be maybe nine or ten years old at the oldest, she can play guitar by the way. God the kid is a great guitarist, Murdoc doesn't seem thrilled with having her here, but he doesn't seem to hate her. He said as long as she doesn't get in the way and since she can actually play then she can stay here. I felt like he wanted to say something about Paula but he didn't.

Last night I was in my room working on songs. Murdoc came in, which confused me at first until I realized I completely forgot to lock the damn door. I figured he'd be angry, drunk, stoned, or one of his usual states but he wasn't. He just came in with his hands in the pockets of his trousers and looking down at the floor like some awkward kid or whatever. It's gotta be about the second time I have seen him and actually kind of thought he is really good looking. Like….He isn't all that bad, right? He's just a bit moody and locked up about everything and really frustrating and hard to trust, but he's easy to like and then he comes into my room looking like he's scared out of his mind and like some stupid teenager and then I start thinking how much I really like this bloke and how beautiful he looks.

That's when I'm confused, my most confused about everything.

He didn't say anything; he just grabbed the suitcase off of the floor, sat it on my bed and began unpacking it and putting my stuff away. I didn't stop him, I should have; I should have told him I can leave if I want and I'm not sure if I want to or not yet.

I wasn't angry at him or anything; I don't think that I can be angry at him for too long. Doesn't help that when I get angry or have to think a lot then I get really bad migraines, I sort of blame Murdoc for them sometimes.

After he put all my stuff away he left like it was nothing. I felt like going after him, hugging him, talking to him, or…..

I don't know why my mind goes there, I don't even want to write it down because a part of me is paranoid that he'll find my journal and then the other part of me just thinks if I never write it down then maybe I'll stop thinking it and I can just keep on thinking that I don't feel anything about him or think about him in a certain way that you shouldn't think about your best mate.


	11. Chapter 11

Things have been absolutely crazy lately. Ever since we got Noodle here and really started working on music it's like all of the sudden we went from this awkward garage punk band to….I don't know what, I just know that Murdoc came in and told us we finally have a record label interested in us, he said because of that we needed to really start working on things. So that's what we've been doing, for months now we've done nothing but work on lyrics and songs, we actually went to the islands just to help maybe set a mood for the album. Murdoc wants it to be kind of like The Clash, sort of reggae punk, but Russ wants it to have a more hip-hop vibe. Basically they spent about an hour in the airport arguing over what the songs should sound like while Noodle and I kind of just stayed out of the way.

I found out something new about Murdoc before we got on the plane. He's scared of flying, kind of weird; he never seems to be scared of anything y'know. I noticed he started acting really weird and kind of quiet, he actually pulled me to the side and told me he can't stand being on planes. I told him it'd be alright, I was sitting next to him the whole time holding his hand. I kind of like knowing he's scared of something, usually he's just rude and makes fun of the rest of us for being scared of stuff, but knowing something scares him makes him more human I guess.

When we got here and got off of the plane he was back to his normal self. Which means he told me if I told anybody that he's scared of planes and that he held my hand then he'd slit my throat. I told him I'd keep it between the two of us, after that he started arguing with Russel again about the sound of the new album.

The place we're staying at is really nice though it feels like we don't spend that much time in the rooms we're renting and more time outside in this really crappy trailer.

We spent probably too much time screwing around than actually working. Murdoc has spent most of the time being completely drunk which isn't really new for him, but between that we've actually worked on the album. It helped that we finally came to a solution about the sound. Some of the tracks can be a sort of reggae punk while other tracks can be hip-hop, not exactly what Murdoc wanted but he's dealing with it since he really wanted to get this done quickly.

We figure by the end of this week everything should be done, well what we can get down out here. After this we should be able to go back to Kong Studios, clean up the tracks, and send them out. I hope this album does really well, I really want it to.


	12. Chapter 12

So Noodle and Russel left to go back to Kong and finish work on the album. Murdoc said they can handle it and we can just stay here for a bit longer, you know just hang around explore the island. After they left I asked him why he decided that, he told me he just figured it'd be cool to maybe spend some time with me alone you know.

It's been really nice, sort of like back when we lived in his old flat back before Paula had come to live with us. I nearly forgot how well we used to get along back then, God that was so nice.

The main reason I'm writing in here is because we spent a lot of yesterday watching movies and getting pretty drunk. Then as it got later he said he was bored and thought we should go outside since it was night time and there wouldn't be as he said; annoying people walking around getting on his nerves.

He was right it was really vacant and kind of cold outside. It was sort of weird quiet with us for awhile, I don't know why; I guess like he wanted to say something but he wasn't sure about it for awhile. Finally he told me he was really sorry about what happened with Paula and he knew he never should have done it. I told him I didn't want to talk about it, but if we had to then I wanted him to know I was still really fucking hurt that he could do something like that to me. He apologized again and said he didn't feel anything for her; he said she'd been hitting on him and touching him, he wanted to tell me but he knew I wouldn't believe him.

I stopped walking and asked him why he thinks I wouldn't believe him. I mean I trust him, not as much I think….I think I trust him, I don't know anymore. He told me most people don't believe him probably because he does happen to lie quite a lot, but he tries to not lie too much with me especially with things like that. He said he's glad he hit me with his car twice and even though I'm a complete moron I'm one of the more interesting people that he's known. He said that most people he's known just want him for something usually money, sex, drugs, or to steal things from him when he wasn't around. Most people treated him like some kind of freak show, I told him I know the feeling.

It's weird about then it was sort of quiet kind of awkward again like it had been before.

I didn't really know what to say so I kind of just told him I think he's really beautiful. Which I still think is probably the dumbest thing I've said to like anyone especially my best mate; I kind of figured he'd hit me, laugh at me, or call me a queer. He didn't though he sort of just looked at me funny, tilted his head to the side and kept looking at me for what seemed like forever. Then next thing I know he took hold of both my hands pulled me to him and kissed me.

He kissed me.

Murdoc fucking kissed me.

It wasn't like the way he always kisses birds he meets at the pub, but it was like….I don't know what it was like. I don't know how I feel about it, but I really….

I'm confused about it, I liked it I was so shocked that I nearly didn't kiss back. I wanted to kiss him back and I sort of did, but it didn't last long sort of like he realized what he'd done and it just ended like that. He let me go and started walking again almost like he'd never done it and that's when I realized it's one of those things that we're probably never going to talk about again. It happened, maybe it never should have happened, but either way it's on the list of things we can't talk about because he'd deny it or tell me it shouldn't have happened.

I still can't stop thinking about it though, he's so fucking mental that I don't know why he did it or what it really means….It means nothing, that's what he'd probably tell me if he knew I was still thinking about it. I wonder if he's still thinking about it.

I'm going to try and just forget about it, it's better than clinging onto something that means absolutely nothing.


	13. Chapter 13

Guess what? I've finally got a new girlfriend. I met her at this party, her name is Rachel; she's fucking incredible. Everything about her is great; she's really nice, pretty, funny, and smart. She doesn't think that I'm an idiot or a total freak; I really like her so far. Russel and Noodle like her too, Murdoc on the other hand doesn't really seem to care for her so much. He's only told me she's too high class for someone like me, but maybe if I get with a bird like her it'll help us get more attention in the media.

I'm ignoring him. We haven't talked a whole lot since what happened on the beach; I figured that's what would happen. That's why I'm happy that I've met Rachel, because now I don't have to wait around and figure out what's going on between the two of us.

Other than that we've been playing a few shows locally. People really like us and Noodle is doing great, I kind of figured cause she's such a little kid that she'd be scared to be around so many people but she seems to really enjoy it. I enjoy playing on stage too; people don't seem scared of me or anything, they seem to actually like me. Murdoc told me to not be so stupid all the time that of course people are gonna like me.

The cool thing is that Rachel comes to all of our shows so far, it's funny I really did love Paula but I feel different with Rachel. Like I just feel better, really happy, and she likes me because of now. She doesn't care about my eyes being fractured or my hair being blue or the fact I got a couple of teeth missing from where Murdoc slammed my face into a wall. She just likes me, she thinks I'm funny and I keep on thinking about her.

I don't even care about what Murdoc thinks for once, it'd be really great if maybe she moved in with us sometime in the future.


	14. Chapter 14

I can't fucking believe this; I can't believe that he's done this to me. AGAIN.

So right all of us were at this party and I was there with Rachel, well I went off for a few minutes to talk to some bloke who wanted to discuss some stuff with me. Next thing I know I hear Rachel yelling then see her throw a drink in Murdoc's face then storm out of the building. I ran after her and it took like six minutes to get her to finally look at me let alone talk to me. She told me that she couldn't do this anymore; she can't handle my friends, and my life. She told me she had to go home and think and that she would call me tomorrow when she knew what she wanted to do.

I was completely struck dumb, you know. So I went back inside, found Murdoc in the restroom trying to wash the booze off of his shirt. I actually fucking shoved him against the sink and was in his face asking him what the hell did he do to her and asked what she was talking about. He got angry, shoved me and told me if I ever try that again he'll break my neck. He told me that he doesn't know what the hell her problem is, they were just talking and then she flipped out for no reason.

I kind of believed him only cause I really wanted to. I know now that like always he's full of shit.

I called Rachel the next day and asked what had happened. She told me that she really loved me and had wanted to be with me for a long time, even wanted us to live together. I told her that's great and I love her too, but then she told me we could only do that if I kicked Murdoc out of the band, moved out of Kong, and agreed to never speak to him or even look at him ever again.

Can you believe her?

Why would she ask me to do that?

I mean she told me he made a pass at her, didn't touch her he just flirted with her and that's why she'd been so angry. Yeah I'm pissed off at him for ruining another one of my relationships, but how can she do that to me?

He's my best mate and I feel like I've known him forever and he's done everything for me and I love him and….Shit.

I mean I love him like a friend, not like….I think I don't, I mean…Great now I have another problem to add to the list then I guess. I mean I've thought about it, him, us, and then back when we were on the beach and he kissed me. He never brought it back up though and he'd be fucking horrible to date, he's not exactly loyal…..What am I thinking, I don't want to date Murdoc; that's funny, I'd never do that not like he'd do something like that anyways.

I just need to handle this whole thing with Rachel, maybe I can get her to be more…I don't know less of….Less crazy about this whole thing, we could work something out; maybe I can make Murdoc apologize to her.


	15. Chapter 15

So things have been really strange lately since the whole situation with Rachel and just everything with Murdoc. When I had been dating her he'd been all weird; like he'd avoid me, be more of an ass to me, and stuff like that. Now that she's gone he's like….I don't know how he was like before Paula came back and after Paula left, it's like he doesn't want me to have a damn girlfriend. It's really frustrating me. I think I'm gonna confront him about it tonight; confronting Murdoc is a bad idea, usually ends with a broken arm or another missing tooth, but I'm sick of this you know?

I won't go to his Winnebago, because he hates anybody going in there. I think I'll just have him come to my room. I just need to talk to him about this, it's really getting on my nerves. I mean what right does he have to chase off all my girlfriends? Is this how it's always going to be? I can't deal with that and I'm not gonna leave the band or make him leave his own band just for Rachel or any other bird that I like or love. Forget that, but I won't let him try to shag or actually shag all my girlfriends because he's some freaking pervert or he just doesn't think I'm good enough to be with somebody or…..Fuck I still don't know, I'm getting a migraine and I still don't even know what the hell I'm going to say to him tonight. Maybe I shouldn't, I suck with these sorts of things. He's the one good at being blunt with people and telling them what he thinks. He even does that with Noodle and she's only ten years old, doesn't matter though since she doesn't know what he's saying. Last time he tried to tell her off she just smiled at him then kicked him in the leg really hard.

She does that, kind of just does these really cool fight things. Only on Murdoc though; we're not sure if she likes him or just finds him irritating, Russel lied and told Muds he would work on getting her to not beat on him, but he hasn't.

Isn't it bad a little kid is better at standing up to him than I am? I'm an adult for God's sake, even though Muds tells me I'm too stupid to be an adult; I'm like a brain dead bulimic teenage girl with badly dyed hair. He says that a lot, but he's usually smiling at me when he says it. I know he doesn't mean it, once this interviewer insulted my looks and Muds got all mad and told them if they did it again they'd end up in the hospital. I don't get him, well I do; is there much to get? He just sucks at being human, wonder if he even is human….It wouldn't surprise me if he was a demon or some shit like that, even if he was I don't care. He always tells me I owe him his soul and I just agree, I'd follow the crazy bastard into Hell.

Is that love or is it just stupid loyalty?

Maybe if I hadn't taken so many hits to the head since I was a kid I'd be smarter, better reactions and all. Then I wouldn't know him, Russ, or Noods and I wouldn't be in this band and I wouldn't be writing in this book about loving or not loving some complete loon who may or may not care about me. It's complicated, but maybe tonight I can settle all of this and things can be better off then….Yeah that's it, things will be better once I talk to him, bad or good; at least I'll know what's going on with him, us, and every bird I've dated that he's chased off.


	16. Chapter 16

That didn't go the way I thought that it would, at all, and now I'm confused and we're going on tour in two days and I have to think about this shit. I can't even believe that happened or how much I wanted it to happen, I almost think I wanted it to happen more than him if that's even possible. Shit.

Um so right I kind of just bugged Muds all day until he got tired of me whining and said he'd come to my room and talk to me about whatever stupid thing I wanted to say. So he was there and I told him that I was still hurt about Paula then that I was really upset about what he tried with Rachel. I told him that she refuses to see me all because of him, I chose him over my own girlfriend; he actually seemed real happy about that and I kind of hated him for thinking it was a compliment. I told him he couldn't do this to me and he told me she was too good for me and obviously a bitch, but that's not even the point. I told him I can date whoever I want and he can't just shag or flirt with every bird that I even say hi to. He told me it's his band and he can do whatever the hell he wants to do, because that's how it works. I asked him what the hell his problem is and why does he have to beat on me and why does he have to make me feel like crap and then shag and chase off every single girl that I like or maybe even love. He got mad and started yelling about how I'm stupid and he doesn't want some stupid Yoko, John Lennon deal where I leave the band over a girl and maybe he just doesn't want to share me with anyone.

I didn't really get the last part, I mean I think I did, but I think he meant it differently than I think…..I didn't exactly get to ask him because he ended up pushing me up against the wall and I thought he'd punch me but he kissed me hard. I thought about on the beach and how out of nowhere that had been and it had been gentle and like he was scared shitless, but this was more like Murdoc; it was rough and it was passionate. Sometimes I wonder if he views sex and performing on the same level.

Er so anyway we shagged and at first when we were just kissing I thought I should tell him that I don't want him to but that'd be lying and I couldn't do that because I was holding onto him really tight so he couldn't even try to end it.

Next thing I know we were on my bed and then we were naked and then er well yeah…..I still can't believe it.

Wanna know what he did afterwards though?

He fucking left, he put his shirt and underwear back on and ran out of my fucking room; he was in such a damn hurry to get out of my room that he left his trousers in my bloody room. Maybe he didn't really want it, maybe he just wanted to shut me the hell up or he was bored or….I don't know, I need some of my pain killers though, I have the worst headache right now all because of him and his stupid everything and fuck….At least it won't happen while we're on tour, he'll probably be too busy shagging every bird that comes to our shows. It's pathetic, whatever I don't need this or him; he's just like those pricks I went to school with who think they're cool because they treat everyone like dirt and they don't pay attention to anything outside of themselves.

I can't stop thinking about it, him, and I keep replaying what just took place. He has to like me, right? I mean you have to like someone a little bit to shag them, even if it's just their looks….He's always drunk when he's shagging though….Wait.

He wasn't drunk; I think he was actually sober. It could mean something else, I don't know; it doesn't mean anything he's just some filthy old sod who loves himself too much and doesn't care about anyone else.


	17. Chapter 17

So far we've been so busy with interviews, signings, and shows that I haven't had time to really give a toss about Murdoc. I mean I still notice him flirting with every bird at every show that we play and some of the time he's paying more mind to me watching him flirting with them than he is with looking at them. I don't get it; he hasn't even told me to never talk about this ever again.

I swear he acts weirder than usual lately; seems more stoned than usual, apparently this is how he used to be with his other bands. It's also the reason why his other bands failed because he was generally stoned off his ass and couldn't get anything done, Russel doesn't like him being stoned because of Noodle being around but honestly the shit that goes on onstage at our shows is so messed up that I don't think it really matters much if she sees us smoking pot or anything. Most of the time that Murdoc is doing drugs I'm there with him, I don't really like speed though; he says I don't need it anyways because I'm already too god damn neurotic. He also told me that I need to get laid, but if he thinks she's too good looking for me then he'll take her off my hands before I can even get her top off.

It's annoying, I thought he was joking, but a couple nights ago he actually did it. It's bull shit y'know, I still love the filthy bastard though; Russ tells me I'm insane cause I look up to him and don't really stand up for myself. There isn't much reason to, he's kind of sad when you really think about it so why should I waste time getting into it with a bloke who has all these problems and just pretends he's master of the universe when he's somewhere in there still just some beat up kid from a crappy home.

I'd never say that to him or pity him or coddle him or anything like that. He told me a good while ago that he hates when people even think about that or when somebody kind of looks at him like they're sad for him and what had happened when he had been little. He told me it's because nobody ever felt bad for him when he was little and walking around with broken bones knocked out teeth, and a badly bruised up face; so why should anybody give a fuck now?

I think it's one of the reasons I do put up with so much of his shit. Sometimes he is just really cool or really deep and smart, doesn't last too long but it's sort of nice. I just keep going back to when we shagged and the fact that he had been sober when it had happened, I think he honestly treated me better than he does the birds that he gets with. Still I feel like another fucking notch in the bed post, you know? I feel like shit.

It's not gonna happen again.


	18. Chapter 18

While we were in Murdoc's hotel room last night getting stoned he asked me if I wanted to see something. Normally if Murdoc wants to show you something it'll scar you for life or it'll be something that can get you arrested. I was stoned and even when I'm not I agree anyways. He went to his suitcase and pulled out all of these books, bottles, dolls, and this really weird shit. A couple of the books looked really old and weren't even in English, I don't even know what they were printed in. I noticed words like Faust, Lucifer, Beelzebub, and these other names inside of the books. I remembered how when we had first actually met each other he told me he'd sold his soul to some Devil or what not so that he could be a famous rock star. I never believed him and I still don't know if I do or not. I don't and didn't get why he was even showing me all of this shit.

He told me that Beelzebub is who he sold his soul to, that one isn't Satan, but in a way he's worse; more dangerous. He told me Faust is where he picked up his middle name; it's a story about this bloke who a long time ago wanted to become a great magician, but he couldn't catch a break so he sort of lost his mind a bit and sold his soul to the Devil for fame and fortune. Murdoc told me that's who he wants to be, that that bloke knew how to get things done; I asked him how the story ended and he sort of just looked away for a bit like it was nothing he wanted to talk about. Wasn't long before he started talking on again about demons and rituals and spells; he told me what things he could do, what shit he had done.

I asked why the hell he was showing all of this to me and he told me it's because he trust me. He knows I won't tell anybody about this stuff and he said that even if I did tell somebody he would deny it and say I'm full of shit.

I asked him if this stuff was safe to play with and what would happen with the soul thing. He told me it's safe if you're in control and that in a few years time, maybe even a hundred years time something will come and take his soul. He didn't seem to really care about it, like it's actually more important to be a musician than to be alive. I wanted to talk to him more about that and ask what's wrong with him that he's willing to risk his life just for something like this. I love playing music with my friends even if we all fight every now and again, especially with Murdoc, but I would never trade my soul or my life for something like this.

I mean he could be full of shit, but I still don't know.

The other thing I found that I don't think he wanted me to was this little raggedy doll he had with black button eyes and blue hair. There was a little heart drawn on the chest of it with red marker. I asked him what was with it, he grabbed it away from me and put it back in the case; he told me he had forgotten that was in there, but if I really needed to know it was a voodoo doll that he made to look like me. He told me he gets bored sometimes and I annoy the piss out of him so every now and again he likes to jab pins and needles into the doll and that's why sometimes out of nowhere my leg will start burning or my head will hurt really bad then all the sudden it'll stop. I asked him if he ever stabbed the doll in the heart and he looked really serious and told me he'd never even dream of doing that.

So you know not like I really believe all of this stuff, I don't even really believe in God or anything like that. He told me a lot of hippies and shit came up with this term white magic, but it's not magic at all; black magic is what he messes with, but he told me all real magic is dark because bad comes with the good and good comes with the bad.

I don't know why I said it but I said that was sort of like him; sometimes he's a complete bastard and other times he's far from it.

I figured he'd be annoyed, but he laughed at me; I think when he's stoned and a lot of times when he's drunk he's less paranoid and irritated.

I still haven't told anybody about the stuff that he showed me and told me about last night. I don't feel like I should or that I need to, it worries me a bit but I don't think any of it is really a big deal. He told me maybe sometime while we're still on tour he'll show me something if I'm interested.

It was a really weird night, fucking feels like every night since we shagged has been weird though. This was a nice weird, not a kind of weird where I hate him a little bit.


	19. Chapter 19

So the other night I met this woman named Heather; kind of pretty, really nice, and kept telling me she was a huge fan. Not like I wanted to date her or anything, but we were talking and flirting, Murdoc kept watching us. Not like he was going to swoop in and take her away from me or some crap like that, but he was glaring at me; I kept waiting for him to hit me or something.

I ignored him, kept talking to her. She was touching me then she was kissing me, she wasn't really great at either one. She wasn't really drunk; she just seemed to be trying too hard to be sexy. Next thing I know Murdoc grabbed me by the back of my shirt and pulled me away. He told her to go fuck herself, she looked like she was really offended by that and wanted to say something, but Murdoc dragged me out of the building before she could say a single thing that I could hear.

So like once he got me outside he made sure we were alone and I waited for him to hit me or yell at me and I wasn't even sure why he was angry or seemed angry at me. He didn't do either though, he fucking kissed me; like really hard and it was sort of desperate and weird for him like he didn't even know why the hell he was doing it. I couldn't taste alcohol on him at all, just the same stale cigarette smoke. He went from rough to gentle like he was starting to realize I wasn't doing much and like he was letting me know I could hit him and curse him out for doing this, but before he could pull back or anything I was kissing back and I had my tongue in his mouth and my fingers in his hair, his hair is really greasy y'know. I really don't think that he showers all that much, just maybe once or twice a week, he doesn't smell bad though. He just smells like too much cologne, cigarettes, whiskey, and sometimes he smells like weed. I sort of like it, Russel always says he smells like a garbage dump, but then again Russ doesn't really like him all that much.

Noodle likes him cause she thinks he's funny and I like him because I don't even know why half of the time. Not until he's kissing me and his hands are on me or when he's smiling or laughing and it's not because I'm hurt.

We went back to the hotel and up to the room we were sharing, he always insist on us sharing a room I don't know why. I did wonder if we should not do this, it'd only be the second time and for some reason every time from what I can tell he's sober.

I even asked him this time once we were on the bed and he was kissing my stomach I asked him if he was sober. He looked at me kind of funny like it was the dumbest thing somebody ever asked and told me that he was in fact sober, hadn't had a drink all night. I felt happy about that, I had smoked some pot earlier but I felt okay enough to know that this felt really good.

It was sort of like the last time it wasn't really rough or like he was trying to prove something to somebody. It felt really great and really right and I kept thinking how even with Paula and Rachel I didn't even shagging them this much, I loved them, but to some point it felt shallow like they didn't care. This felt different, it's just me I know that, because Murdoc Faust Niccals doesn't love and he doesn't care, but he's a good enough of an actor to pretend that he can do both.

I thought this time he'd leave just like last time or maybe kick my ass just to prove he's not queer or something, but he didn't. He just kissed my forehead, pulled me against him and fell asleep holding me. It was really weird, like really fucking Twilight Zone type of weird. I kept waiting for something bad to happen or for him to realize he was with another bloke, not only that but he was with me. I thought maybe I should leave so I tried to pull back and he just held on tighter and told me not to leave because he wanted me next to him. I kept wondering maybe if he was stoned, but he wasn't acting like he does when he's stoned. I relaxed and curled up against him and just enjoyed it, because God knows how long until the next time that he does this or anything.

I want to talk to him about it, but I know better.

The following morning I woke up alone, he was already dressed and had everything packed up including my stuff because according to him I'm too slow and dumb to get my junk packed up in time for us to get on the plane. I asked if he was alright about the whole flying thing, he shrugged, and then pulled a little baggie out of the pocket of his trousers. The bag had a few yellow pills inside of it, he smiled at me and said enough of those would make him alright but he told me I still had to sit with him or else he'd go insane.


	20. Chapter 20

Murdoc is so fucking annoying and a bastard and I think that's why we all put up with his shit. It's like those are the ways he's charming and yet it makes you hate him all at once.

He keeps messing with more and more rituals; our room is always trashed, on several nights I had to bunk with Russ and Noodle, because our room was covered in chicken feathers and blood. There are these little black demon things that look like deranged cats and they have big red eyes and long claws, they keep bothering Russel and our roadies; every time somebody brings them up Murdoc just tells them they're absolutely fucking insane and he sees nothing. No matter what even if one of them is standing there in front of him he pretends it isn't there, Russel is actually starting to believe he's insane and these things really aren't there. I told Muds he should knock it off, Russ has enough problems with Del and demonic possession and all that other junk; he doesn't need Murdoc telling him none of its real and it's all in his head.

Another thing is he's always stoned; before every show if he isn't doing coke or speed then he's got a bottle of whiskey or vodka in his hand. I'm not entirely sure what he's like sober anymore, especially now that we're touring in the states. He swears that we're gonna live here; I don't really care either way. I hate the people that he keeps on hanging around and bringing to our hotel rooms; they're all fucking weird, druggies, junkies, hookers, and Charles Manson styled lunatics. It's fucking driving me crazy.

Of course when I try to bring it up he shuts me out, ignores me, beats me up, or we end up shagging. Yeah I know I should probably make him knock it off with the last one when I'm trying to talk to him about the drugs and the creepy people and the fact his ego is so big it's annoying all of us. Yet he whispers some dirty stuff in my ear, starts groping my crotch, and running that too long fucking reptile tongue of his down my neck and I sort of just blank out completely. Then next thing I know we're shagging in a bathroom stall, alleyway, shower, backseats of cars, or any other surface we can find where nobody can see us or hear us for the most part. He told me once that I moan like a girl so nobody would even know he's shagging me, they'd think I'm just some bird.

He's annoying me and worrying the fucking hell out of me. I give in, we have sex, we both get stoned, and then repeat the process over and over again until one of us gets fed up or dies. That's how it goes; I'd leave the band if I wasn't so fucking….In love with him? I guess you could say that and of course I'm here cause I care about Russel and Noodle and I like having friends like them and at home I'd have nothing but an empty flat and a crappy part time job. I don't want that, I like this even though sometimes I hate it and I hate him, but I love him, and that's where it all gets complicated.


	21. Chapter 21

We've been holed up in this crappy hotel room for I don't even know how long now. Muds has this brilliant idea that we'll make a movie and we'll be famous, well more famous, no scratch all of that. He's gonna make a movie and he's gonna be famous and he's going to be rich. We're just here for him to get help from, it's annoying; I think Russel is probably going to murder him, sometimes Noodle yells at Murdoc but due to her lack of English we really don't know what she's saying but I have the feeling it's nasty. Murdoc doesn't really seem to give a shit though, he's a complete psychopath, always has been, and the whole rituals and spells thing is getting out of control and he keeps bringing around the most insane types of people including himself. It's frustrating, he just a complete bastard lately.

Shit he's staring at me, he looks pissed.

He says he needs 'help' with things. Russel is sitting in the corner rubbing his head and cursing under his breath and Noodle is on the bed meditating probably before she loses it and attacks Mrudoc. Can't blame them much, he's sort of getting on my nerves.

I'll write in here later, he's pissed that I'm ignoring him.


	22. Chapter 22

It's weird how shit sort of just happens you know? Sort of like how one day I was working and next thing I woke up from a year long coma cause some mentally disturbed gnarled toothed Satanist ran over me, twice. Sort of like how just an hour ago out of fucking nowhere okay maybe because I called him old stupid and fat, but out of nowhere Murdoc strangled me. Like actually fucking choked me and I couldn't breathe and I swear to God he was actually gonna kill me, Noodle bit him then Russel bashed him in the head.

I didn't really hear much of what he was saying, I'd crawled over to the couch and was trying to get my breath back and my throat burns from where he'd been choking me. I heard him say something about how if it weren't for my voice I'd be useless to him and he'd put me 6 feet under in a wooden box because that's how worthless and stupid and disgusting I am to him. That hurt.

He left the band or he just left for now.

Doesn't matter though cause once I got back to my senses I just said we need to leave and go back home.

We went back, everybody got packed and well we left. Just like that we had a band and we were doing fine and just like that we left and now I'm heading back to my parents' house cause I got nowhere else to go because Kong is the only other home that I've ever known.

Mum will be pissed when she hears what Murdoc did to me and sees how bruised up my neck is, but she'll be happy that I'm smart enough to know he's a filthy fucking prick and I should stay away from him.

I'm still shocked, hurt, and angry.


	23. Chapter 23

Mom is happy that I'm back home, she's pissed about Murdoc strangling me. I sort of completely left out the part where he told me he's wanted to murder me ever since he's laid eyes on me and all that other junk. He hasn't called or tried to get a hold of me. Russel called for a bit to tell me he's okay, he said he'd talked to Noodle and she's doing alright; she's in Japan trying to figure out where she'd come from.

I started helping my dad out at the fair; I get to work the machines. It's funny because when the band was together and when I was around Murdoc I didn't really think I was famous or attractive or interesting, but now that I'm back home girls are always stopping and looking at me and talking to me and taking my photo. It's real great; I didn't get it until they started telling me how interesting I am and how attractive I am.

I used to feel rubbish about how I looked cause Murdoc made me feel like shit and my girlfriends made me feel like shit.

Oh I also met this bloke named Mike, he's really fucking awesome, and he doesn't find me annoying. He tells me I should have punched Murdoc in the throat ages ago and I don't need friends like him. He even gave me this really cool flick knife, he told me if anybody gives me shit again to just pull it out on them; I don't got to use it, because seeing the knife should scare them enough. He's really cool, he doesn't get frustrated with me or hit me or call me stupid. I'm meeting more people here, people who aren't all about money or fame.

I even look better and the bruises aren't as dark as they were when I first got here. I do miss the band though, a lot; mostly miss Russel and Noodle, right now I think Murdoc can go fuck himself for all I care. Mike is right, I don't need a friend who treats me like dirt. I'm better than that, hell with him.


	24. Chapter 24

So Murdoc called me last night.

He was drunk, very fucking drunk, and he wanted to talk to me. I almost talked to him, but I realized I'm pissed at him and he treated me like crap and said all that junk to me…I hung up on him and he kept calling after that then the last call I got I thought that it was him and I answered and started to yell, but it was Russel on the other end.

He said Noodle called him and she was back at Kong and said she needs us to come back; she was trying to get a hold of Murdoc. Russel told me he called him and he might come back, but he wasn't really sure about that.

He didn't say the band is getting back together, he just said we need to go back to Kong because Noodle sounded weird and she really needed us to come back. I don't know if I want to see him again though, I know it's been a long fucking time since I've seen him, and I think that I've changed a lot. I just hung up on the prick, I never would have done that back before all of this happened with the two of us.

I told Russ I'll come back, I didn't say that Murdoc has been calling me for a good while and I haven't answered.

Tomorrow morning I go back to Kong to see my other family and hopefully I don't have to face Murdoc, at all.


	25. Chapter 25

When I got to Kong Noodle and Russel were already waiting for me outside. Russel looks different; like kind of a bit heavier and sort of almost like he's depressed or just not himself anymore. I didn't ask him about it because I didn't really want to upset him or something like that; I think I'll ask him later. Noodle has grown so much!

Her hair is all purple and kind of long and she's real tall now and mature looking. It's crazy how much she's grown since the last time that I've seen her. She's less little sister and more big sister now, plus her English is way better than it was when she was little.

She told me that when she had gotten to Kong the place was over run with demons and zombies. She wasn't really sure why they were all there, but it was insane and before she had called any of us she had taken care of what she could. She cleared the kitchen, two of the bathrooms, our bedrooms, salvaged Murdoc's shag wagon, and cleared out the recording studio and living room. There was still a lot more, she said Russel had helped her a bit when he had gotten there the day before.

So that's how we spent our first real day all back together, well all of us except for Murdoc. Nobody had heard from him and I didn't say about him drunk calling me at my mom's house or even calling me when I had been on my way back to Kong. I sort of hope he won't show at all, is that wrong of me?

I don't know how I feel about him or how I'll feel when I see him again.

Anyway like I said the place was, still sort of is over run. We took out a lot of them last night and burned them in a huge pit out behind of Kong Studios. When that was all finished up Noodle said she's been working on songs and lyrics and all kinds of stuff since getting there because she has a ton of ideas, but she refuses to show or tell us until Murdoc gets here or until he says he just isn't coming at all.

So we ordered some take out, caught up a little bit. Everybody seems a little distance. Russel didn't talk too much and Noodle told us a bit about how she found the man who basically created her and about how she's actually a product of a child army in Japan and how she was going to be killed because they changed their minds about the experiment. Yet this bloke hid her and raised her a bit then sent her to us so they couldn't hurt her. Crazy isn't it?

I'm glad he did save her and send her to us, she's such a great kid.

Right now I'm in my bedroom. Doesn't look much different; a little fucked up because of the zombies that had been roaming around in her, but other than that the same pile of junk it had been before I went to my parents' house.

I keep thinking about Murdoc; I hadn't thought about him much, well um…Okay I had been thinking about him, even having dreams about him. Not bad ones, the kind where he doesn't hate me or want me six feet under in a crappy wooden box. The kind of dreams where he's kissing me and holding me and everything is passionate and crazy great and he's telling me I'm beautiful and that I'm not totally useless and stupid and he even tells me that he loves me too.

Stupid dreams, stupid fucking dreams.

I don't want to see him, I can't see him because I don't know if I'll want to take him to the restroom and shag him sodding brains out or if I'll want to punch him in the throat.


	26. Chapter 26

The same day we had one of the heaviest rains for months would be the same day that Murdoc came to Kong. It doesn't surprise me; I admit it was odd seeing him, his skin is really green and he sort of looks like shit. He looks good though, he always looks bad but in a good way, and that's why I find him attractive. Maybe it's all in his attitude; that's the other thing, he hasn't well I mean he's acting like himself, but with me it's weird. He hasn't called me any of his usual names like faceache or dullard, it never bothered me when he'd call me those things cause it was rarely in a bad way; kind of like pet names in a strange way. He doesn't call me anything now that we're all back together, he just sort of looks at me and it isn't mean or perverted. It's like he doesn't know how to talk to me or approach me. We have occasional odd bits of awkward conversation and that's the best that we manage to do.

He came back with a crow he calls Cortez, a messed up pet monkey that smokes a lot, and two Mexican guys that helped him break out of jail.

Not too shocking really; apparently he spent his alone time drinking and ripping off hookers, really not surprising to me. He also apparently became a doctor because they gave him animals to experiment on and a prescription pad. I kind of like that last part a lot; I mean I don't gotta go through my mom for my pain pills anymore, she says I take too many. I know Murdoc will give me all the pills that I want, he never seems to really care how many I do or what I do; just so long as he's with me to keep an eye on me.

We haven't drank together, smoked weed, or even been alone with each other.

I want to talk to him but I don't know how to.

Like I don't know what I wanna say to him. Do I want to yell at him for strangling me, for calling me useless, calling me ugly even after all the times he told me I'm pretty?

Do I want to tell him I missed him, do I want to tell him I don't care about what happened, and even tell him I'm fucking in love with him despite the hell he's put me through?

Or do I just want to continue hanging around Noodle and Russel and pretending Murdoc doesn't exist?

I just wish he'd stop staring at me and it's weird how he stares at me. Not angry, not sexual, but it's sort of like….I guess how Rachel used to look at me when we were together like care or love or some feeling that Murdoc knows nothing about.


	27. Chapter 27

He sent me a text just thirty minutes ago telling me to meet him by the cemetery gates in an hour. He wants to talk to me, plain message that worries me a bit. It worries me because I don't know what he wants to talk about. Well I do, I know the reason he wants to talk but he could tell me he meant everything that he said or maybe he'll shrug it off like the bastard that he is and try to shag me.

I guess I should get dressed, try to figure out what I'll say or do. If he wants to pretend it wasn't a big deal I'm going to stand my ground. If he tells me that he meant it and he does hate me then I'll go from there, I think that'll kill me though.

I'll be back.

So I went and met him by the cemetery gates. Where do I start with this one?

Well he still seemed really weird when I got there and kind of surprised to see me almost like he really didn't think that I would show up to talk to him. I asked him what he wanted and he kind of just laughed like he was really nervous and had no clue why he wanted to talk to me. Then he asked how I've been and we did the bull shit casual conversation bit for a minute or two. Then he told me that he didn't mean what he had said and that he didn't mean to choke me. I just kind of stared at him and told him he's usually really good at lying, but that one sucked. He looked a bit hurt at that and I really just don't give a shit if I did hurt him with that, because what he did hurt me like Hell.

He said he missed me like crazy and he had tried calling me, I told him that I know he'd wanted to talk to me but I didn't want shit to do with him.

He touched my neck and it took a lot for me to not just flinch away from him because I don't know how I feel about him touching me right now. He kind of just seemed out of it and he was just barely touching me and said in this sort of sad voice that I wasn't worthless and I wasn't ugly. I smacked his hand away and snapped at him telling him I knew that, I didn't know that until I got the fuck away from him and realized my real worth. I told him that when I had been around him I felt like I was a sideshow freak and he was the only one in the world to think of me as good or attractive, but then when I got away from him I realized something; it's my band, I'm attractive, I have fucking worth, and I'm not unwanted.

I think he wanted to say something else to me, but I told him to sod off then I ran off.

I've been here in my room for a little over an hour now. I keep waiting for him to come around and try to talk to me again.

I don't need him. No I don't….


	28. Chapter 28

For over a week now we've been avoiding one another. Okay well that isn't completely true; I've been avoiding him to the best of my abilities. Do you know how hard it is to avoid somebody when you're also trying to make an album? Having to sing in the vocal booth while he watches me, the way he watches me when I sing has if anything become more intense. He looks at me like I am the rarest most incredible thing he has ever seen or heard in his life and it makes me feel odd and all fuzzy, I even forget the words sometimes because of the way he watches me. When I do I think he'll yell at me or say something, maybe even smirk but he doesn't. It's like he doesn't even notice because he's so caught up in watching and listening to me.

He tries to talk to me when the others are around and I act like I don't hear him. When we're alone and he opens his mouth to talk I leave the room. We've run into each other in the halls, he'll grab my arm; not tight or try to hurt me, really gentle actually. He's so scared to hurt me, to raise his voice to me; it's like he is scared of me, scared I'll run away.

What should I do?

I wanna tell him that I...I want to tell him something; I want to shake him, hit him in the face, and yell at him. I want to tell him he's a pathetic bastard who ruined my life and keeps stealing away every woman that I love, but it doesn't matter because I never loved any of them as much as I love him. I want to blame him for making me fall in love with him, blame him for messing up my eyes, my teeth, and my brain. I want to fucking hate him, I want to hurt him in every way that he's hurt me so that he knows what it feels like.

Then when he'll grab my arm or brush against me I forget it, my breath gets all caught up in my throat and I feel weak and I feel like clinging to him. I feel like crying against him, whispering about how I hate him, but I need him. I need him, does he know that?

He used to tell me and the rest of the world that he knows that I need him, that I'm useless and dull without him watching out for me, but lately...Lately the way he looks and watches after me it's like he's waiting or looking for a sign that I'll just go away. That one of these days I will just get up and say that I quit, that I honestly can't handle this. Maybe that's what I should do, even if I don't mean it; maybe I should just tell him that I can't do this, that I have to leave the band because of him and whatever this is.

I should leave or just pretend to, just to see what happens. I'm only scared that he'll shrug it off and pretend that he doesn't give a toss about my leaving or staying.


	29. Chapter 29

He did what he always does when he's desperate to get me to even look at him; he followed me down the hallway and then just barely grabbed my arm hoping I would stop and at least turn to face him. I didn't face him though I just looked at the floor and said as cold as I could that I couldn't do this and I was leaving the band.

He removed his hand then he stepped in front of me, he tried to look me in the eye but I avoided him. He asked me what I meant and I told him again that I was gonna leave the band because I can't deal with any of this anymore. He took hold of my chin and lifted my head up so I had to look at him, God I really hate that I had to look at him, look into his eyes. He looked fucking horrified, like he honestly looked like he could just break down crying. I didn't say or do anything I just couldn't, because I hadn't expected him to look so scared at what I had said. The next thing that I knew his lips were on mine and the way he was kissing me was like he was so scared that he couldn't do anything but kiss me, like maybe if he kissed me and held me tight enough then I'd change my mind or maybe I just couldn't leave.

I pushed him away from me and this time I swear there were actually tears in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and brought his face close to mine and whispered, begged me not to leave. I still can't believe the sound of his voice, the way his fingers were digging into the back of my shirt. I wonder if this is the way he was as a child when people he cared about would leave him behind, scared and doing anything he could to get them to stay. All of those people left him and he never understood why and I had to be dumb enough to just tell him I'm going to leave even when I never actually thought about doing such a thing. I just wanted a damn reaction out of him, I wanted some fucking commitment or denial, I wanted something.

This time I kissed him, I held him close to me; I whispered to him that I wouldn't leave, I told him not to worry. We were in the hallway kissing, anybody could have spotted us. I honestly don't think that he cared; he pinned me to the wall, his breathing was so heavy, his eyes were so desperate. I don't think he'd really thought about it, thought about losing me. I never thought about how much I missed him touching me; I came so close to telling him how badly I love him, how badly I hate him for making me love him. I don't want to love this Satanic bastard who is just going to pretend like he didn't beg me to stay in the band, who just showed me more passion in twenty minutes than any of my girlfriends showed me in years.

I hate him so fucking much and I have this feeling he feels the same for me.


	30. Chapter 30

I feel bad, I don't know why I feel bad; he's the one who makes me feel like rubbish and the one who beats on me. Well I mean he hasn't really beat on me lately, he's been well behaved lately. Ever since our weird little make out session in the hallway he's been different, he'd already been acting weird now he's weirder than he was before. Now he's the one playing the avoiding game, isn't that something?

Old sod actually thinks he can avoid me, I kind of like the time to myself to think over it, but it's pretty messed up if I think about it enough. He wanted me to pay attention to him, to talk to him, and act like nothing had ever happened between the two of us. Now he's the one avoiding me after I finally did what I guess he wanted, I mean I wanted it too. I still keep thinking about it and both of us seem really awkward and uncomfortable when we're around each other. The other night we were alone watching television and he put his hand on my leg, I think he expected me to shake it off or to tell him to not touch me. I don't even know for sure why he was touching me, he acts all weird around me and we haven't solved any of our problems...God I talk like we are or were dating, we've never dated. We aren't dating and we never will, I can't even imagine what it'd be like to date Murdoc. The way he runs off every bird he's with for longer than a month, he drives them completely mad; he's rude, disgusting, ignorant, and all these other things. It's sort of like he wants everybody he loves or cares about to leave him, he wants everybody to stay, but at the same time he wants all of us to just leave him.

I don't want to leave him, maybe he wants to push me away...Maybe...I don't know anymore!

It's really giving me a migraine, I've been having more of them lately all because of this stuff between the two of us. I don't know what he wants from me; why me? I keep on thinking about that, why the hell can't he obsess over someone else? I mean he sort of obsessively hates Damon, but that's about it when it comes to Murdoc's obsessions that aren't me. I'm always the one he bugs, the one he hits, insults, drinks with, bullies, and touches; nobody else, nobody fucking else gets this much of his attention. You think I'd be happy about it, I used to be happy with it because I hated really questioning it. I never minded him pushing me down stairs, putting cigarettes out in my ear and stuff like that, because I liked this lunatic paying me attention. I liked that I could make him laugh because I'm a bit slow and don't know what I'm doing or saying, I could make him laugh by getting hurt; now I just hate it. Now I wish he would stop paying attention to me, I wish that he'd obsess over somebody else. I don't think I would mind it if he did, would I?

I love him, I don't want to love him but I do. I keep on dreaming about him, I really hate that part the most. You know how bad it sucks to have wet dreams about some bloke you can hardly stand then wake up with a fucking hard on and hating yourself for it?

I don't think anybody fucking knows, because nobody is dumb enough to be me. Lucky for everybody else on this planet; I really need to go out, I feel like I should tell Murdoc that I'm going out for a bit, but I just don't want to look at him or be near him right now. I just need some fresh air and the Hell away from him until I can at least sort this crap out just a little bit.

I wonder how fucked I'd be if he ever found this diary? He knows that I keep it, he used to make fun of me for it all the time, but I could tell he'd want to read it. Curiosity killed the...Er shit I can't even remember what it killed, the cat I think...

That's it I'm going out for a bit.


	31. Chapter 31

I'm not really sure who's more complicated; me or him?

Know what he actually did? He went and got some stupid girl, some stupid Punk girl in some stupid punk band that probably isn't even that good anyway, and he brought her to Kong. He was all smiling and had his arm around her and said she's his girlfriend and her name is Becca, he likes her music, and she's going to be around here some. She looks stupid; God I sound like a teenage girl.

Seriously what's wrong with me?

No wait, what's wrong with him that he goes and gets some random bird and is pretending he's interested in her just to get back at me?

I feel a bit bad for her I guess, fuck him; I hope he ends up marrying her or getting crabs when he shags her, it'd serve him right. I don't need him, I don't need this stupid game that we've been playing ever since we came back to Kong. I'll just go out, I don't want to date anyone but I can still have sex. I wonder if Russel or Noodle notice what's going on between the two of us, I mean Russ doesn't notice too much because he's still really out of it with the whole Del situation and the hallucinations. Noodle I think she knows something is up, she basically face palmed when Murdoc walked in with this 'girlfriend' of his; she's got to know something.

It's like I wonder if one of these days somebody will just say something you know? Will one of them just out of nowhere say "you know what we know you guys were shagging and nobody cares, now stop acting like pricks and solve this." Will somebody say that to us one of these days, would that help? Murdoc would probably go on about hating me or just storm out of the room, binge drink, then beat me for what we used to do.

I hate him having a girlfriend; I mean he still sort of stares at me, especially when he's with her. He'll look at me when they're kissing each other or make sure he says stuff to her like he 'loves' her and shit like that right where I can hear him say it. He's doing it to get to me, to get me to I don't even know what. Fuck!

How am I supposed to cave in and do what he wants when I don't even know what it is that he wants. He's the one who keeps staring and following and looking all pathetic and scared of me. He did punch me yesterday, it was kind of nice because at least it was something; it was something normal, something that seemed more like himself. I don't care if we ever kiss or shag again, I just want him to be himself and stop this stupid game. I wouldn't totally hate us beating each other up and him calling me idiot all of the time, I wouldn't mind anything that means he's being himself instead of whatever is going on.

I should have just let my mom sue him back after I woke from my coma like she had wanted to, then life wouldn't be so complicated and he'd be stuck miles away from me. Then again I'd probably be in a flat with five kids, the same job, and Paula cheating on me with every bloke in England; so yeah I'm glad I fell for his stupid charms, I'm happy I told him he's beautiful and that because of that he kissed me. I'm happy that we had sex and had this really weird relationship and that we've made out in hallways and back seats and in bathroom stalls.

I just want this phase to go away, I want a new phase where I know what to do and say around him. Sometimes I kind of wish I could lay with him, just be with him and it could be quiet and peaceful and there wouldn't be any games or tension or bitter comments.

Becca will go eventually, she's just another phase of whatever he's doing with me. By my luck we'll shag, he'll ignore me, and I'll hate him all over again.


	32. Chapter 32

Really stupid, regrettable shit goes down when you get drunk not only drunk, but you're drunk because you're pissed off and you're pissed off because you're jealous. Forget acting like an adult or dignity, forget all about that, because you're drunk and you just fucking hate acting like nothing is bothering you. I think maybe it was by the third shot of whiskey and the first five minutes of watching Murdoc with his stupid girlfriend on his lap whispering to each other and making out and him sliding his hand up her thigh. I think it was after that that I decided I don't care about being mature right now or being smart, hell according to Murdoc I've never been smart to begin with so the fucking hell with it. Maybe if things had went just a _little _bit differently then I would have just gone up to him and started slurring and yelling and calling him an ugly bloated ponce. Maybe if that bloke hadn't started buying my drinks and touching my leg and putting his hand near my crotch and maybe if Murdoc hadn't been watching and if he hadn't looked like he was half a second away from throwing his stupid _girlfriend _on the ground and come over to beat this guy up then maybe the night would have gone differently

The last two days would have gone differently.

Yet he looked at me and watched and I really did think in what bit of sobriety I had left that maybe I should tell this bloke off, before Murdoc kicked his ass. I didn't though because I wanted to see what would happen and he kept watching and looking more irritated and looking to me to see if I'd tell this guy to get lost, but I didn't. Why, because when you're stupid alcohol only makes you dumber so I started touching him back and running my fingers through his hair and whispering shit to him that I can't even remember but I know it was dirty as hell. I'd glance at Murdoc and he looked so fucking sick and angry and I felt giddy at the idea of him ending this stupid fucking game that started so long ago that I don't even remember when the hell it began or who began it.

He never said or did anything though so I thought, fuck it.

That's why the following morning I woke up naked, hung over, and on my bedroom floor. When I got up I noticed a naked man I barely remembered still passed out on my bed. Once I got him gone I noticed Murdoc standing out in the car lot watching me looking pissed and I asked him what the fuck he was staring at, what his problem was and he got all tense. He just shrugged it off and started to go back in his stupid tin can of a home and I grabbed him by the shoulder and slammed him up really hard against the side of the Winnebago. He actually seemed shocked that Id do something that aggressive, hell I'm shocked by it too. I told him to knock it the fuck off, I was sick of this stupid fucking game, and him pretending he's into that stupid punk girl he's pretending he's in love with. I told him I didn't even want to shag that stupid fucking ugly guy, I just did it because I didn't know what else to do other than to go completely bonkers. I told him to either just hate my guts and leave it alone at that or to just admit that things aren't normal, things aren't alright between us and that we need to fucking work it out or one of us needs to leave the band.

I don't know why I thought that we'd have some break through, I mean this is Murdoc Faust Niccals; there are no break throughs with that bastard. I say all of that to him, get in his face and scream at him; what's he do? Kisses me, fucking holds onto me like I'm the only thing keeping him alive and kisses me harder than the last time that we kissed.

I bet you think I went with it; that we went inside and shagged and then he threw me out and now we're back to normal.

Even if you're just a stupid beaten up old notebook I love telling you that you're wrong.

I pushed away from him, hit him hard across the face and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. I told him I wasn't going to do this shit with him all over again, I was sick of being fucked around with; I told him he can go to Hell for all I care and that I really mean it this time and that he can shag, marry, and reproduce with whatever bird or bloke he wants to because it won't bother me. I'm not gonna let it bother me, he tried to talk, but I told him I didn't want to hear anything else. When I started to leave he grabbed my arm and I hit his hand and just told him to stop and with that I left.

So for two days shit has been strange; Murdoc broke it off with his supposed girlfriend, he hasn't even had anymore one night stands. Most times that I see him he's moody and drunk, he's getting back into his Satanic Rituals so his arms and hands are cut up from those stupid things. He still stares at me, not mad or anything, but like he wants to just talk or ask me something. I'll talk to him if he actually wants to talk, but I know he'll just blow and yell and act like I'm the one being the bastard here.

I'm so tired of him acting like a little bratty kid I wish he'd just fucking talk to me or tell the truth once in his fucking life.


	33. Chapter 33

I said it, I finally fucking said it, and I don't even know how to feel about this.

I'd been ignoring him for days and today he finally just got in my face and asked me what the hell my problem was with him. It's like everything I said to him and hitting him hadn't told him anything, like he hadn't understood a bit of it I told him to just leave me alone, but he wouldn't and I felt like I was gonna fucking cry or something stupid like that, and I just...I said it; I told well more like yelled that I love him, that I fucking love him and what has it gotten me so far?

He looked real shocked and I pushed past him and sort of just ran off. I'm up on the roof right now, I wonder if he'll want to kick my ass. That's why I'm up here, I rarely come here so I know he won't think to look for me here.

Funny how I thought I'd feel better if I finally said it, but I just feel shitty. I love him and all it's gotten me is pure hell and pain, he knows now; since he knows maybe I can stop loving him, because he sure as hell doesn't love me back. He only wants somebody who is too dumb to leave his side no matter what he does to them, somebody to shag every now and again when he feels like it. He doesn't love me and yeah that hurts, but at the same time I'm happy about it. It's so funny that I finally said it, I finally told him, and it wasn't the way I wanted to.

Those cheesy romantic scenes in films where they say they love each other in some nice setting. Reality doesn't work that way, you get hurt, and stepped on and realize being in love is hard and it's painful and you love the wrong person and it all goes to shit.

I kind of want him to find me here, beat me up, and tell me how much he hates me; maybe if he does that then I can stop feeling this way.

What's wrong with me for loving somebody who makes me feel like this?


	34. Chapter 34

He did find me sitting up on the roof, he told me he'd looked about everywhere for me. I asked him how badly he wanted to beat my face in, he sat down next to me and from what I could tell he wasn't angry at me. He asked me why I ran off and I told him, because I was embarrassed and I should have never even said it in the first place, but I'd been frustrated and he was giving me a headache. He was sort of quiet for a bit then he asked me if I really did regret saying it. I looked at him and he wouldn't look at me, it's like I was making him nervous; it's weird thinking that he was actually scared that I'd say I regret everything. I keep forgetting how desperate for love and affection he is, weird to say such a thing but it's true. Everything he ever does he does for people to pay attention to him, notice him, and want him. It's a sad thing for me to think about, it makes that part of me that has a major weak spot for him come out.

So of course I admitted to him and myself that no I don't regret saying it or feeling it. I told him I just hated that he didn't feel that way back. At least when I said that he finally looked at me, he looked really confused like I'd just said something that made literally no sense at all.

He kissed me then pulled back and looked at me and told me I'm really thick for thinking such a dull thing like that.

It's really messed up how I want to be mad at him half of the time or for him to just leave, but I really enjoy having him around and having him fuck with me. If he really does love me it's just a phase, isn't it? Just until he can find somebody better looking who can give him more. I could have just taken that moment to tell him I knew he doesn't mean it that he cares and that he'll leave sooner or later, most likely sooner, but I was too tired to argue. I just wanted to enjoy some peace for the first time in ages, we've done nothing but fight and hate ever since the band got back together. I opted for leaning against his side and remembering just how much I loved to have him hold me, it's silly honestly. He only hates being alone, that's the only reason he says he loves me, he doesn't mean it, but he wants to; I want him to.


	35. Chapter 35

It's weird how when you fight with somebody that you care about and there's all of this tension and frustration, but the moment you both come clean and admit you're assholes then well it's like you never spend any time apart. We have a rule though; nobody in the band should know even though I think they know and have known all the way back to our first tour together. When we're to ourselves it's really great, he'll even hold my hand or let me sit on his lap. Half the time I spend the night in his Winnebago and other times he spends the night in my room; I wonder if it would have just been easier to talk things through or for me to tell him I love him. I don't know if I really believe he loves me, sometimes I feel it; just the way he'll look at me or the way he'll whisper to me that he loves me. He's a great liar though, it's one of his greatest brags.

I mean I'm happy, really honestly happy, but I still just have this doubt about everything.

Of course I'm not gonna say anything to him; I mean it's been nearly two months and things have been real peaceful, I'm not screwing it up by telling him I don't believe he really loves me.

Even if he doesn't then so what? He still needs me and wants me, the way he holds onto me in his sleep is like he's really scared to just be pulled away from me. Maybe he doesn't love me and this is just him not being able to be alone. He's never had a problem being alone in general really, especially when it comes to dating and shit like that, but it's something about me or maybe I just hit the right places in that really weird brain of his.

It's a bit annoying that he doesn't want us to tell anybody; I mean I guess that I get it, I guess...Well not really; it's not like he hasn't done interviews completely wasted and admitted to shagging a bloke or two so it's not like he's scared of people thinking he's gay. I mean fuck he doesn't really care what people think about him in the first place just so long as they're thinking about him, that's all that really matters. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's the whole situation entirely; kinda gives me a headache to think about it.

I don't write in here as much as I had been, sort of hard to really. He knows I keep this journal and that I got another one I'll be starting to write in soon. He's always saying it's dumb and girly, but I'll catch him trying to read through one of them. He says it's sort of cute how embarrassed I get when he ask about what I'm writing or what kinda stuff I write about him. Wonder how mad he'd be if he saw this stuff; Hell maybe it'd just solve everything if he saw all my little worries and doubts, he tells me I'm a dullard because I stress and get all panic prone over nearly anything and everything.

I used to hate him calling me a dullard or any insult actually, but he doesn't really say them like as insults their just weird little pet names anymore. I like when he tells me that I'm his dullard, maybe I should be insulted but I'm not. It makes me feel special, I try not to think about how long it's going to last because when I start to think that way I usually stop the moment he kisses me or holds me or tells me he loves me. I like to think on some level he loves me or maybe he's actually starting to; the way he looks at me when he says it makes me believe him, makes me want to anyway.

I'm sort of glad nobody knows, even if the reasons he doesn't want people to know like our friends and families...Well my family more so, less his since he doesn't really talk to them or anything. I mean even if the reasons are crap ones and I don't want to know them, it doesn't matter too much; I'm happy, he seems really happy. I'm glad the band got back together and glad this whole thing started in the first place, it makes me feel special having somebody like him trust me as much as he does.


	36. Chapter 36

Sometimes he worries me, like the days when he was getting really bad with his ego and messing around with demons and contracts. He once told me back in those days where I was dumb and doped up enough to find his antics fascinating or just plain cool, he had told me his soul was worth more than most due to how many deals he had made and everything he had done for Hell. Never believed him much, as far as I know he doesn't mess with it as much these days. He seems more settled, but he's still got his bad sides. He's still drunk most times, he's hanging around these guys he met in jail and a few other people I ask him about when I get the chance. The answers are always short, basically him silently telling me to shut my face and mind my business, but minus the rude part of that. I asked Russ if he knew anything, he knows about as much as I do; he said we all got our problems and our secrets anymore.

He's right.

Noodle has things about her I still don't know about, she's still keeping something from us about the whole child army thing.

Russel keeps secret about exactly what happened with Del and everything else, I know he goes to therapy, has real bad nightmares, and is on a lot of medication for depression and panic attacks.

I know Murdoc is keeping things from me, but that one isn't really new now is it?

I guess I feel less connected to my friends, to my boyfriend; remember back when the band started? Hell even when it was just the two of us, it was so nice; everything was so fucking simple.

Last night I read through my first journal it actually made me cry reading over all of the old memories. Back to when we were a bit younger and things were really simple and nobody had tons of secrets and nobody was sad.

Murdoc walked in and saw me crying, I thought he'd call me an idiot or a girl like he usually does, but he didn't. He took the book from me and put it to the side then pulled me onto his lap and held me. I remember the times I've seen him break down, how nice it was to hold him to keep him stable; it's nice to have him hold me. I got shivers when I felt his breath against my skin, his voice was so soft and calming...He can be so many different people at any given moment; he can be so gentle and sweet with me, he can be so fucking distant and quiet, he can be greedy and manipulative, and he can be a brute drunk. He can be so many different people and yeah that scares me, because I wait for him to be one of the bad ones; I wait to wake up to him not wanting me anymore, to hating my sodding guts and calling me names like he did when the band had broken up. I wait for him to hit me or throw something at my head like he used to do when he'd get mad at anyone or anything.

He still gets mad, I'd be worried if he didn't still get mad. He takes it out other ways though, mostly at the people and things that are making him mad; sometimes if there's nobody to take it out on he just drinks. I'll see him get pissed and when he looks at me I just flinch cause I expect him to attack me, I think it hurts him a bit to see me flinch. He ruffle my hair then get a bottle of booze; weird isn't it?

I know he never hurt any of the birds he'd date or shag, but I keep waiting for him to treat me badly. He hasn't, he hasn't shown his bad side to me lately; the others find it odd and I still swear to god that they know we've got something going on.

I'm thinking about telling mom God how pissed she'll be; she'll think I'm bloody mad...I haven't talked to my parents for ages, I miss them.

Oh tour starts soon, it'll be fun to get out of Kong for awhile and see places I haven't seen for awhile. Plus that means maybe more time with Muds; like sharing a room like we did last time we toured and more places we can just blend into and...I kind of wish we didn't have to hide.

Like if we're in the living room and no one is around he'll kiss me or hold my hand, but the second someone comes in he moves away from me and he sort of looks ashamed. I wonder if he's ashamed of me or ashamed of himself, I don't know why I don't just talk to him about all of these problems and these thoughts going around my head.

I think of it sometimes, I doubt him; I doubt it so often when he tells me that he's in love with me. It's really hard to believe a devil you know, he's a man but fuck he's got the mind of one of the demons he loves so much. Great liar, great shag, and greatly complicated mind he's got.

I swear most of his traits are bad traits and they're the ones that I love the most.

He used to call me dull, said I was completely boring; I used to think he hated me cause he'd say things like that to me until we started shagging. One moment he'd say I was annoying, dead weight, completely useless but the next we'd be in a dark room all over each other and he'd be telling me I was the greatest thing in his fucking awfully miserable life.

Sort of like now; around others he ignores me, can't hardly look me in the eye, and throws an occasional insult my way just to liven shit up. Then when we're in his room or my room he whispers stuff to me; yeah a lot of it is dirty, like really fucking dirty and I love it, but some of it is so desperate and raw. Like he's scared shitless that I'm just gonna leave, he doesn't wanna lose me, and he loves me. The way he'll touch me and kiss me is like he wants to remember every part of my body because he knows eventually this will end.

Is he going to end this or will I?

I don't want to, does he?

Right now he's out on 'business' which usually means he's with that Manson bloke or one of those creepy guys from jail. I wish he was here right now, I kind of just want to cling onto him. Play the pathetic clingy boyfriend for a little bit; he doesn't seem to mind it too much when I do that, he says it makes him feel needed when I get like that. Not like I do it that often you know before you got and judge or call me girly. Sometimes I think too much, funny for a guy with nearly no thoughts to have so many of them.

I do get scared he'll leave, I probably always will be. I think if other people knew about us I'd feel less shitty about us, less scared and less annoyed with myself. I might tell my mom, she won't care I'm with a guy just not this guy.

I wonder about Murdoc's mom, his birth mom, and his step moms. He's told me bits about his real mom about her being in a mental home and how they had to take him away from her cause she's dangerous. He talks sometimes about his step moms, how some of them were really great, but they always would leave him. They'd say it was for the best and that he'd be okay, tell him they loved him, and he was a good boy.

God you should see just how fucking sad he looks when he talks about those things, how confused he still is about it. He says he doesn't get how someone can tell you they love you and that you're good, but now they're going to leave you with a violent man who might even kill you, but they do love you they just don't want to take you with them.

He cries sometimes when he says that stuff, not much; usually rubs his eyes raw and curses at himself for even thinking about crying. I never say much or tease him about it, I've sworn to him half a dozen times that I'll never leave him.

I don't think I could ever be the one who leaves; not after all the other people who have left him. Fuck can you seriously imagine that? Just leaving a child, leaving them with a guy you know is all screwed up in the head. How could somebody do that?

It's a bit amazing he is still alive, that his dad never did take things too far. I think I love him more knowing there's a chance something could have happened and he could have died all that time ago.

I like feeling protective over him, it's better than clingy. I like holding him and kissing him and promising so many random things to him, I like singing to him until he calms down and falls asleep. He tells me I got the voice of an angel, it's the only heaven like thing he's ever enjoyed in his life.

Maybe he does love me, maybe it isn't a passing phase. I can't wait until he calls or comes back; I'm in his Winnebago right now, Cortez is perched behind me watching me write. He told me the bird is from Hell, wonder if that's true or not. I used to hate the damned thing, but now I don't mind it; pretty little crow and it makes Muds happy...so I guess it isn't too bad.

I hate feeling clingy, but I do kind of just wanna see him right now.


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: So, so very sorry for abandoning this story for such a long period of time. I'm going to double update, also going to update Waking Up and start some other fan fictions non-Gorillaz ones, but some different things. Seriously though sorry about the lull, hopefully people still remember this story.**

For me it wasn't really that hard to tell my parents I'm gay. Okay yeah that was fucking hard, I mean two birds with one stone sort of conversation. 'Guess what mom and dad I'm gay and I'm dating that bloke you both fucking hate.'

Yeah not, not a great conversation you know. I mean my parents aren't extremely closed minded, but people sort of surprise you sometimes and not in a great way. I had to take about five or six pain killers just to make the stupid call to begin with, yeah it's dumb calling but I'm not going all that way just to tell them I'm gay and that I'm dating a guy they hate and then see that disappointment and see my mom cry and hear my dad call me an idiot and them asking questions that are dumb even by my standards. So yeah calling them was the better option, you know?

I still don't know who you are, hell maybe Murdoc will go behind my back and read this stuff.

Right back to what I was talking about. I called them yesterday, mom answered which I'm sort of happy about in a way. I stalled as much as I could, because it's a weird conversation to have especially when you're a grown man and it's over the phone and it's weird how nervous you can be over something so stupid. Even being a little stoned I still felt nervous as Hell.

When I told her I'm gay she went sort of silent then first thing she asked was if I were sure about that. Can you believe that?

Am I sure?

She sounded nervous like I just told her I have some disease or something like that and I told her I'm sure and I've been pretty sure for awhile now. She asked if it was because of Paula and Rachel then rambled on about other girls and how I can do better than them and that there are plenty of nice women out there that I can date and that if I hang around different people then I'll be better off and not think such things. I told her again that I'm gay and it has nothing to do with Rachel, Paula, or women in general. I like women and yeah I got with a lot of women, but I was usually drunk and the ones I was really with treated me like shit to my face or behind my back and I was so fucking scared of being single and lonely that I just put up with it until they left me.

By that time she put me speaker phone so her and my dad could listen to me, well they called it listening to me. Mostly though it was them interrupting to ask me what was going through my head and ask why I was giving up on girls. I finally told them I'm not single and I don't care about girls because I'm dating Murdoc.

This time they went quiet for a lot longer than when I said I was gay, like a really long time.

Weird how saying I like blokes mildly bothered and mostly confused them, but saying I'm with Murdoc just sent them into a state of shock.

Of course after that two minutes of tension filled silence my dad asked what the hell I meant I was with that thing then mom asked if Murdoc was the reason I think I'm gay. Basically mom thinks it's peer pressure and get this; my father thinks I'm an idiot because I'm with some guy like that who isn't only older than I am, but put me in the hospital twice, has made my life a living hell, stolen several of my past girlfriends, and is just generally disgusting. He doesn't get why I would be so stupid as to give up a normal life to be with some prick like Murdoc.

I told them he's been really nice to me ever since we got together, they seemed more so pissed when I told them I've been dating Murdoc for a good while now. They'd been hoping it was only a short period of time so they could shrug it off and hope he'd grow bored of me within a week or I'd come to my senses. The whole phone call was stupid and frustrating, but at least I did it. The thing that fucking hurt the most was the part where my dad told me he was disappointed in me, he never really said why. I sort of just hung up after that, I was getting sick of mom crying and asking me just stupid questions and then dad yelling at me then talking down to me like I'm too stupid to actually run my own life. They never gave that much of a shit when I dated girls who hit me or bullied me or just made me feel horrible and act weird. Is it cause it's a bloke or is it because it's this certain bloke?

I sat in my room for awhile after that was over with. Ended up tossing my phone, still need to go and look for the stupid thing later. I felt sick as hell from those stupid pills then stressing out so I went to take more, like about six or eight more. I wasn't exactly keeping count at the time, before I could take them though Murdoc came in; he fucking hates when I take too many of my pills then when he found out I'd just taken about five before hand he took them from me and said he won't give them back until I learn to use them like I should. Really dumb how somebody who is always drunk or just messed up can get so upset with me for over doing it on my pain killers. I got mad at him and told him to just fuck off, not like I really wanted him to leave, and it's not like he actually listened to me and left. He asked me what the hell was going on and I told him about the phone call with my parents and how basically they were disappointed and pissed at me because I'm giving up on women and because I'm with something like him.

He told me it took balls to do that, to tell them I'm gay.

Yeah he's right, I figured he'd be angry at me. He doesn't want anyone knowing about us, not like my parents are going to gloating to everyone they know about it.

He asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was okay, sort of; I wanted to lie and smile and tell him I was okay. I don't know why, I never really lie to Muds but I wanted to this time for whatever reason. Except when I smiled it looked awkward and when I said I was okay I couldn't look him in the eye; he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulled me against him, and kissed the top of my head. Told me I'm a horrible liar; he didn't get upset about me telling them about us, he didn't question me further, or make any types of comments. We sat there and he held me, we kissed, and I nuzzled against his neck telling him how much I love him.

I felt like complete crap until he came into my room and held me like that. It's weird how some people can do that for you, just hold you and everything goes away.


	38. Chapter 38

The beginning of our tour hasn't been too bad, I forgot how c razy everything gets though. Especially getting my ass up at four in the morning to get packed then go catch a plane. Thankfully Noodle doesn't mind coming to my room and yelling at me to get up, then after that I had to get Murdoc up which is nearly impossible especially since he only sleeps when he gets too wasted and passes out on the floor of his Winnebago...or any floor for that matter. I gave up after half an hour then sent Noodle in, don't know how but she managed to wake him up and ran out laughing while he was in his room yelling and cursing. Basically it takes us two hours to get up and ready then finally just leave the bloody building. Stupid isn't it?

Weird how a thirteen year old is more mature and adult and stuff than three grown men. Though Muds always tells me I'm not bright enough to really be considered a grown man or an adult or most things, just pretty but a bit too dull in the head. I rather him call me dull than have him call me crazy like he does with Russ.

I hate the airport part, Muds still hates planes. Like a lot. He always has some minor panic attack but he tries to keep it in which just means him acting more like a dick than is normal for him. I always tell him it's fine and nothing bad is gonna happen, he usually replies by rambling about planes are a stupid invention and he's unlucky and how bad shit always happens to him. Not like I'm all that lucky, but seriously shit luck doesn't make a plane crash. Being on a plane is the only time he'll let me hold his hand or touch him in general.

Speaking of that's actually the cool new way I found to keep him calm on a plane. I mean nobody was paying attention or nothing like that, he looked at me like I was fucking crazy when I told him we could go to the loo and I could find a better way to get his mind off of being on a plane. It's not like Murdoc ever passes up the chance for sex, especially in public. Took a bit but I got him to go with me.

I sort of like the times when we shag and it's different, like I'm more in control than he is. I like when he's pulling my hair and his breathing is heavy and he's trying to keep quiet but he sort of sucks at doing that. The bloke is way too vocal sometimes and I know people heard us and if he'd realized it he probably would have been awkward about it, but he didn't really seem to care. Not like I care, I sort of still really want people to know. I like when he bites my neck and my shoulders and his way too long at this point nails are raking down my back and he's just lost and beautiful and I fucking love him when he needs me almost more than I used to think that I needed him. I like the things he calls me, basically worshipping me.

Like I said I found a better way to get his mind off of planes.


	39. Chapter 39

I forgot that when Murdoc is really drunk or stoned he forgets he's supposed to act like we aren't dating. Not like he full out does anything, but last night after our show we were all at this pub hanging out; on top of stoned he was drunk. At that point in the old days he'd find some bird or a few and try to get a quick shag out of them, not now which I'm good with. I mean I don't really want my boyfriend going after girls, you know?

Him not going after girls though looks weird, like Russ kept asking if he was okay after he turned away the fifth girl to come to our table. Even Noodle was looking at him like he'd lost his mind even more than usual. Then after awhile he started leaning on me more which yeah he always does that when he's drunk. He'll lean on me and pet my hair or my face and tell me I'm a good kid, it's weird, but he's weird and clingy when he's drunk. Just now that we're dating it's a slightly different kind though yeah he still ended up petting my face and telling me I'm a good boy. Though this time he was whispering in my ear about how much he loves me and how much better I am than all those stupid birds who are ugly but think they're hot and how he likes having me to himself. Luckily nobody could hear him, I had to remove his hand from my crotch about seven or eight times. If we could just let people know we're dating then I'd be okay with this because then well I'd still make him keep his hands off of my junk, but y'know I'd be okay with the "I love you" and all that other stuff. Just I know he'd flip if he found out that I just let him ramble on like that in front of other people. So I somehow managed to drag his ass out of the pub and to our hotel room, really hard calling for a cab with a drunk bloke hanging off of you, also hard doing anything when you got a drunk guy hanging off of you.

I was pretty happy when we finally got in the room; he could be as clingy as he wanted to be, he could also strip down to his jeans, and every other thing he likes to do and say when he's completely out of his mind. I tried to tell him he'd had enough to drink, but by that point he was half way through the mini bar and telling him to stop was sort of pointless so I sort of just joined him. I don't drink as much as I used to, mostly anymore I just do that when I'm depressed or upset, yeah I know that's not healthy. Muds tells me not to do that, but he does it so I figure it's not that bad to do.

I tried sitting on the edge of the bed, but he ended up clinging onto me and pulling me down and curling up against me. Sort of like a giant dog or something like that, I like when he needs me even if it's just cause he's drunk and totally out of his mind.

He started talking and his words were all slurred and stuff, most of it didn't make sense anyway. He did make some sense though; he told me how much he loves me and he wishes he'd met me differently. He started on about when he was a kid and how lonely he was, how hard it was to make friends because he looked so 'ugly' and he was so weird that nobody wanted anything to do with him. He was practically laying on top of me by then, his fingers curled against my chest and his face nuzzled against the crook of my neck. He gave this sad little laugh then said how funny and sad it is that when he was growing up it took him until his teenage years to realize he was being abused. Like he just thought everybody got beaten daily by their dads, they were just better at hiding the bruises and broken bones. He thought it was normal, because nobody pointed it out, asked, or tried to help him. They just fucking ignored him.

It makes me so sick and angry when he talks about that stuff, I told him I would have noticed and I would have said something. I never would have let that asshole to that stuff to him, he was just a little kid. Explains a lot though, when I wonder why he's a certain way or why he reacts weirdly to stuff I don't get it until the times he feels like sharing with me and then I get it. I get that he flinches from older men and even me a couple of times because it's a reaction from when his dad used to hurt him, I get he hates all old men cause they make him think of his dad, I get he doesn't trust men in general worth shit because of what he went through, and I sort of get his sick obsession with women. I get a lot of it when he's curled up on top of me completely drunk and whispering these things to me and sometimes I can feel tears on my skin and I never say anything. I just hold onto him and tell myself there's so much shit going on in that head of his.

Nobody gets it, nobody wants to, and I don't even get all of it.

I don't like the people he hangs around, I don't always trust him or believe him, but there's so much I still don't know about him.

I guess I am sort of lucky that I have him as much as I do. He had to go through so much shit just to admit he wants to be with me and that he cares about me. I'm happy I at least have this much, I just don't know how long until I want more from him as selfish as that sounds.


	40. Chapter 40

Can you believe him? Well you're a journal so I guess that you can't, plus I haven't said why or what yet. He's such a bastard though; not really sure what the hell I expected from him y'know. I don't think I should be this pissed at him, but I can't really help it. After our show tonight we were outside the venue just like usual and some kid, some fucking teenager was joking around and said something or asked; I wasn't really paying too much attention to him or what they were talking about, I never do. I didn't until I heard something about Murdoc hooking up with me, I think the kid was just joking, but it caught my attention. I sort of glanced over at Muds and he looked freaked for about a second then smirked and said hell would explode before he'd shag another bloke, especially a bulimic looking pigeon chested, blue haired, eyeless freakshow like me.

Shockingly enough he didn't look at me while saying any of that or after. If we'd been alone I would have hit him. Russ and Noodle looked at me, normally I just shrug it off or go with it, but really?

Like it's just...Something about that and...I don't know it's frustrating. They seemed concerned, like they usually do, but I think they know and I think I'll talk to them in a little bit. I don't really feel like talking to anybody right now, I'm annoyed and I've been sort of crying the past half hour. Silly crying over this, it's not like it's a big deal; he used to insult me all of the time, but ever since we started dating he doesn't do that. Then again nobody has hinted or asked something like that, yeah I get there are people who talk about that and maybe some people figured it out. I've had girls come up to me and ask if I'm dating Noodle, which is really odd.

I wish he had just said no or laughed it off, not brutally fucking insulted me like that. Hurts really, maybe my mom and dad were right he is just a fucking ponce.

Great he just came into the room.


	41. Chapter 41

So we talked, well I guess you could call it talking. He asked why I had just left like that, noticed I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I got mad, threw a pen right at his stupid head and started yelling at him. He was confused, not really surprising you know, I mean he really doesn't know why I'm pissed off. He was just doing what he feels or thinks that he has to do, act like I'm the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth to him.

I'm kind of surprised he didn't really fight back like he normally does when we argue. I mean fucking hell we've gotten into arguments over such stupid shit before, really stupid shit. I mean we fucking fought over who got to sit on the right end of the bloody sofa just before tour started. He's always ready to fight, because it's in his nature.

I figured he'd fight me on this, tell me I'm over reacting and need to understand that he's protecting his lovely reputation as a 'sex god'. He didn't though, he just looked sort of embarrassed and confused about the whole thing. It's like he knows it's mean, hurtful, and just dumb of him to say stuff like that about me or to me in public just to make it seem like he hates my guts. He does it cause he thinks that he has to, that it'll keep things okay between us and in the band and everything else. He knows i could care less about everything; I could care less about being famous and being in a band. I just wanna be with him and for it to not be complicated and stupid.

He tried talking to me, a little bit; not a lot like I figured he would. I figured his crazy con man side would come out and he'd try to talk me out of being angry, tell me not to be so dramatic about this whole thing. He didn't though, he seemed like even though he wasn't saying it that he knows he's being a complete prick...Just he doesn't know why or how to fix it or handle this or handle me or us, he's confused. I get that, but I still sort of can't handle it right now.

I did think about going to Noodle or Russel's room, talking to them; hell even telling them about my dating Muds. I didn't though, helped that he sort of just left the room saying he needed to go to the pub. I don't think he'll be back until morning or sometime in the evening before our next show.  
Fuck I sort of wanna go after him, there's not really anything for me to say. I'm mad and hurt, he's confused about everything and I don't know. I'll just get some sleep and see where the next couple days go.


	42. Chapter 42

Mom called me just a little while ago. She told me...God...Fuck; it's funny how the last time I talked to my parents was a fight. Them telling me they're ashamed of me for being gay, disgusted that I'm dating somebody like Murdoc. Last thing dad ever said to me was that he's disappointed, he couldn't believe my life choices and how stupid I'm being. Now i can't ever see him again or apologize for being such a bad son cause...

He died, last night, early this morning or something. I don't know which one it is and my head is really fuzzy and hurts and I need my pills and my stomach hurts...I wish Murdoc was here but he's been gone and he's always at the sodding pubs and avoiding me and I really need him right now. I could call him or text him and I can barely write in here right now. I can't really see, I can't stop crying and I'm getting stupid tears on the stupid pages of this stupid pointless book that stupid doctor told me to keep when I was a teenager cause it might help me remember stuff I don't wanna really remember.

I don't even really know how my dad died. He just did; died right in his sleep all peaceful like. Heart or something like that, he didn't have a real great heart but...I didn't think he'd just die like that, I can't believe someone can just go to sleep and never wake up again. Doesn't really make me ever wanna sleep again.

Mom was crying so hard on the phone, she didn't tell me a lot. Funny how dad just died and I'm happy she called cause for whatever reason i didn't even think she'd even call me about it with how disappointed they were in me. She called though, but she didn't say too much; like it was like she felt she had to call me not that she really wanted to. There wasn't any "I love you" or "He loved you so much" or "we're proud of you" nope none of that she just told me like she'd tell my aunt Jane or my second cousin Jimmy. She just fucking told me and even though she was crying it still felt like...It felt like she was doing it cause she had to, not because I'm her only child and my dad died and she wanted to tell me and comfort me or I could comfort her.

I don't know

I'm sort of laughing and crying, it hurts my chest and my head. Just thinking about how my dad died being disappointed in his gay son who is dating some "abusive drunken middle aged freak" while playing "rock star". I disappointed him to the end and even mom is still upset with me about it and it feels like ages ago since I told him and when I told them I had someone to hold me and tell me I'm fine, it's fine.

Now I'm here alone and I'm scared and this can't be real and I can't breathe. feel like I might have a panic attack at this rate, haven't had one of those for such a long time.

I wish Mudsy was here, I want someone here. i want to know my dad didn't hate me when he died.


	43. Chapter 43

I finally got myself to call Murdoc, I sort of fell asleep first. I just got really tired from crying and thinking and my head still hurts and now my nose is plugged up...Eh I just feel like shit. I told him I was sorry, just sorry not even really for anything maybe bothering him or yelling at him the other day. He sounded really worried when I called him, I could barely talk. Kept stopping to cry and my voice was all cracking and weirder sounding than usual. He kept asking what was wrong, where I was, and if someone had hurt me. He sounded real worried and like if I said yes to the last one he was ready to kick someone's ass. Kinda made me smile a bit. i didn't tell him why I was calling, I could barely get out anything; I just told him I needed him to come back to the hotel. He kept asking stuff and I just told him I needed him.

He got here pretty quickly, yeah he was drunk, but I think hearing me so upset sort of sobered him up a bit. He kept looking over me like he wanted to see if I was hurt and i was just sitting there holding onto my phone real tight and thinking about mom calling me to tell me about dad then I thought about how upset dad had been with me. I was happy that Muds didn't say or ask anything, he guessed pretty quickly that asking me stuff wouldn't help. So he held me, I cried and held onto him. Eventually I just started babbling and none of it really could have made much sense to him, but he didn't care. I told him I didn't wanna be alone, asked him to never leave me, and told him I was scared of losing him. He agreed to never leave, told me he wouldn't let me be alone especially when I'm so upset, and nothing could make him leave me.

It was a long while until I did calm down y'know wasn't sobbing and clinging onto him and stuff.

He asked why I was so freaked out, it was scaring him. So I told him about mom calling to tell me my dad had died, told him about how disappointed dad had been in me before he died and how he probably hated my guts for being gay and dating a guy that he couldn't stand. I told him how mom hardly said a real word to me, just relayed me a fucking message like I'm somebody she hardly knows. Told him how upset I am that he died being disappointed in me and how now I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking about myself dying and my friends and of Muds and things I just don't like thinking about.

He told me only idiots over think that much, told me he wasn't gonna go anywhere. He had to keep an eye on me to make sure I never got hurt doing something dumb, he told me he loves me and yeah it scares the fucking shit out of him that he's genuinely in love with someone. He told me that I shouldn't think my dad died hating me, that he loved me; he was just freaked out about the whole gay thing, that's all.

We just lay in bed, he kept saying things to me to keep me calm. It was nice, I missed him being around; I missed falling asleep in his arms. Him running his fingers through my hair, kissing my forehead and telling me how much I mean to him. It felt nice, it felt nice waking up with him lying next to me.


	44. Chapter 44

We all agreed to set some time off from touring so I can go to my dad's funeral. Murdoc told me he'd come with me, I was going to ask but I didn't. I was surprised when he said he'd come with me if I wanted him to; of course I want him to be with me. It's made this whole thing suck less having him with me. Seemed like it took forever to finally get to my old home town; I know it sounds kind of mean or makes me sound like a wuss but I told him I wanted to stay in a hotel instead of going to mom's house.

I know she would be happy enough to see me or maybe it'd be nice just as comfort. I just can't bring myself to do it though because I feel bad and nervous about so many things. Murdoc told me I should go stay with my mom while we're here, he'd stay at the hotel so that way it doesn't cause any really just pointless drama. I told him if I did decide to stay with mom I'd definitely make sure he goes with me, just for support. I love him a lot and he's been really great through this shit even though I know it makes him really uncomfortable. He's always told me emotions and drama and intense situations make him really uncomfortable. He said it's because he can't just joke it off, if he can't make fun of it or just leave it then he doesn't really like to confront it or deal with it. Yet he's willing to go through all of this because he doesn't want to just ditch me when I'm going through some crap like this.

He told me he really doesn't know how i feel, he'd be beyond happy if his dad died and i can understand that. Honestly I'd be happy if his dad died, just cause all the bad things he did to him. Muds said he doesn't get it, but he won't just leave me, because he's grown to hate seeing me get all sad and stuff. It used to not bug him that much, but recently he can't stand it so he likes doing things to help make me feel better.

I haven't really cried too much lately, just every once and awhile. Tomorrow I'm gonna go see mom, then the day after is the funeral. I don't know if Muds will be going with me, he says he'll go if I want/need him there with me.

For now I just like having him with me in our hotel.

Like right now he's sitting by me and kissing my neck, I like it..Sort of hard to think and write or anything when he's doing that. He keeps trying to see what I'm writing, he still thinks the diary thing is dumb as hell; girly and all. He keeps trying to look at what I'm writing, well he was, but that was before he started kissing me and stuff.

I think I'll write in here later maybe when I'm less distracted


	45. Chapter 45

Well today was stressful and eventful.

It took last night and most of this morning for Muds to convince me to go see my mom. I mean she hasn't exactly called or tried to speak to me since I got into town, she knew I was here. Haven't heard from anybody else in my family either, I told him I'd go but only if he went with me. He agreed, but told me that if things got tense or dramatic because of him being around then he'd go right back to the hotel. I told him that was stupid and if my mom did have something bad to say to him or about him then I'd go too, because I wouldn't wanna be around her if she was going to be that way. Of course being Murdoc he told me to stop being an idiot and slapped me in the back of the head.

I did call my mom before we got to the house, she didn't answer. I know she knew I was calling.

When we got there after what seemed like forever she answered the door, she looked like Hell. Crying, red eyed, and everything which you know is pretty fucking common and I've looked about the same way for days now. She hugged me, but it seemed different like she was hugging a person she knew, but didn't know them enough to really relax with them. She completely ignored Murdoc, y'know except for when she looked past me to just stare at him like all of this is his fault or some junk. He was quiet for the most part; no I didn't expect he'd be an ass or something like that, but Muds being quiet always makes me uneasy.

Most of the time there was just really uncomfortable and mostly quiet, just really tiny questions asked every now and again. Mom could hardly look at me and she sure as hell couldn't look anywhere near Murdoc. I did catch her give this really sort of not approving look when I went to hold his hand while we were all sitting in the living room.

If dad was still alive yeah I probably would have gotten into a fight with her and him as well about this stupid thing going on. She told me he died from heart problems that he'd been having for a long time, nothing I had known about. Said they didn't want to worry me so they didn't really talk to me about it, y'know I'm apparently very emotional. Which okay yeah Muds tells me I'm panic prone, but still I should know things; right?

She asked how I was and things like that, dumb question considering everything going on.

It seemed like she sort of just wanted me out of the house, like I was a stranger. I thought she'd say something about something, anything or just everything. She never did; it was just really fucking tense until I finally got so...Like suffocated by it that I said that we needed to go and do something, anything to really just leave so I could breathe and not be there anymore. She looked a bit hurt by my saying we needed to go, but it was like hurt and relief.

I told her I'd see her at the funeral.

Muds didn't say much on the way back to the hotel. He sucks at stuff like this so I sort of figured he wouldn't have too much to say. I don't even have much to say, even in this stupid book. Just that it was tense and stressful and when we got back to the hotel I took about five or so pain killers and a little something else I got from Murdoc's stash. He doesn't know, maybe; if he knew I kept taking pills and coke and stuff like that from his stash he'd probably lose it and get mad at me. I never get how he can wreck himself to deal with his problems, but it's wrong when I do it. I'm tired, feel like shit really. Probably wasn't a great idea to take all of that crap; my insides must look like hell.

Murdoc left a bit ago to get something for us to eat, well for me to eat. He told me he doesn't eat, it's a waste of time; I never really understood that. He says I should eat more because like he said days ago I look like a bulimic teenage girl.

I have a few text messages from Russ and Noodle asking how I'm doing and if Murdoc is being a prick. I really would love to tell them that I'm dating him and apparently if you date him he isn't too god awful. Okay he still gets on my nerves and he acts like a ponce, but he's sort of sweet in a weird way...Like a really weird way, it's hard to explain. It's like Russel said; we're too dysfunctional to be with other people or to be 'normal'. Like how we look and how we act we can't just be normal or fake it, so that's why we're always together even when we can't bloody stand each other cause by some stupid destiny or whatever we don't have too much choice. I get what he meant by that, he might have just been insulting us or pitying me cause I'm stuck with Murdoc for life, but it's true.

Every girl I dated couldn't really stand the real me or how I look. Every girl Murdoc has shacked up with just can't tolerate anything about him, at all. We're okay with each other though, we just go with whatever it is. Not sure what it is.

I'm still really sad about dad dying and yeah maybe he didn't die hating me or anything like that, but still. Just you never know what the last thing you say or they'll say will be and it's fucked up if it's something bad or something dumb. I've got the dumbest habit now where every time Murdoc goes somewhere I tell him I love him, cause like what if something did happen to him? He told me it's girly and dumb and I think too much for a guy with a lot of brain damage, but every time I say it he sort of smiles at me.

Y'know maybe it doesn't matter too much if my parents or my uncles and aunts aren't okay with me because of my life or my looks and all this other shit that honestly I can't just fucking control. I've got my family; I've got Noodle and Murdoc and Russel. They don't care that I look like a freak or anything else...I mean Russ and Noodle don't know I'm gay or anything, but if they did they would be okay with it and yeah they probably wouldn't like that I'm with Muds cause he is a prick, but they wouldn't shame me for it or something like that. They'd just go with it and accept it's the new thing in our band and that it really doesnt' change much, like at all.

I think when Muds comes back I'll ask if or when we can tell the others about us. I know he'll do the same thing he always does about nobody needing to know and it making him feel weird, but I still like to check and to see if he'll change his mind.


	46. Chapter 46

God that was so horrible, you haven't got a clue.

Funerals are horrible, I didn't even wanna get out of bed this morning to get ready for it. Muds had to literally drag me out by my ankles and drop my ass onto the floor just to get me moving. He told me to stop being so weird about it, he'd be there, and it'd be okay. He's never had to do this shit before, neither have I and it's not like he really has a dad anyway so he doesn't know how this shit feels. We took a cab to mom's house, because she insisted last night when she called outta nowhere that we should go to the funeral with her. Weird fucking car ride, Murdoc sat in the back, I sat up front and everything was weird with no eye contact or anything.

The way people were looking at me, us I knew mom hadn't told anybody I was gay or dating another guy.

That's the weird thing about funerals; it's like there's a dead person in a box in the bloody room, yet you got all these people who come in and yeah they cry when they enter the room and hug each other and console each other, but two minutes later they're talking about little Jimmy's game last Sunday night or about a stupid recipe for meatloaf they found online and it's sort of just sick you know?

People looked all pitying cause we had to stand near the casket and have all the attention on us, the pity and Murdoc sort of tried to do his thing where he just goes to the back of the room where nobody will notice him just like back when I came outta my coma. I had a good grip on his hand though so that he couldn't just leave me there with all this pity and these sad looks and people hugging me and mom crying and then talking to people about the awful weather and all this stupid stuff. I kept standing there trying to not look at the box, not see my dad in there in some crap suit the mortician guy picked out cause it was cheap and pre-owned and honestly I would have left. I would have told Murdoc to just fucking take me out of there, I swear I was gonna have a panic attack.

I think he knew, he actually was affectionate with other people around. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head and just whispered to me until I was shaking or breathing so heavily. People obviously noticed this so looks of pity sort of turned to ones of confusion and a few head shakes; either cause it's a guy holding onto me and kissing my cheek and my hair and telling me he loves me and everything is gonna be alright or it's because of who the guy is.

It's the shit part of being in a band, a well known band, and every member of your family and every family friend looking out for you and your mates on the TV and in the tabloids, because then they judge your mates and just look shocked to see you with someone so...Gross, mean, or crazy...Crazy might work. I don't really care though; he was there, that's more than I fucking expected.

He seemed okay after awhile, focusing on me more than the fact he hates being around emotions and shit like that. Can't blame him, I hated it so badly. It was three hours before it was finally over and when we stepped outside it was dark and the air felt great in my lungs and I was breathing heavy like I had just run a bloody marathon or something like that. Murdoc was still holding me and asking if I was alright. I told him I wanted to take the cab back to the hotel cause I just wanted away from everyone.

Sadly I couldn't just leave that easily, because mom got hold of me saying she needed to speak to me in private.

She seemed a bit hurt I didn't want to go back home with her and just visit, but I told her I really just needed some time to myself after that and I couldn't really take anymore of anything for a bit.

We were silent for awhile like awkward until she told me that dad didn't hate me, he wasn't disappointed about me being gay. It shocked him, mom told me she still doesn't really believe me and thinks I'm just confused. She told me he was angry with me, because of who I chose to be with; that he'd been worried about my safety and that she still had the same concern.

I'm glad my dad didn't die hating me or thinking I'm just pathetic, but I don't know something about your parents telling you even though you're a grown man that you still don't know what you want or who you are and they know whats best then saying they're disappointed you're in love with the wrong person. It's just frustrating. I told her I was fine, he hasn't laid a finger on me, and we've been really okay...Like really okay.

The way she looked I could tell she either didn't want to believe me or just really didn't, it doesn't matter. Does it?

No it doesn't; she told me she was sorry about how things had gone and how the last things I had to hear from dad were such horrible things. She said they always worried about me, because it's what parents do especially with a son who is constantly being talked about on the TV.

There wasn't a whole lot else to talk about other than more dreadful small talk followed by her saying there was a great girl at the church who would be perfect for me if I ever changed my mind about things.

Thankfully by then Murdoc was back, I quickly said goodbye and we left.

In the cab he asked if I was alright again, he said I looked like fucking Hell to which I thanked him for pointing that out. I told him that mom wanted to set me up with a girl and dad didn't die hating me, but they are/were disappointed about who I'm with cause they think he'll hurt me.

He kinda smiled at that like he's heard it a dozen times before, enough to believe it y'know.

He said I should listen to my folks, because guys like him suck at being the good guy for too long and if I knew everything about him I'd hate him so much. It was a bit off just how he looked at me like he'd already lost me like I'd already dumped him over something that hasn't even happened and might never happen anyway.

When we got back to the hotel when we were in bed I told him I wanted him to hold me and to stop acting like he's going to hurt me.

He told me not to be dumb and think that I know him, that he could turn into his old man any moment with or without meaning to and for the love of Satan there was so much that I didn't know that would make me hate him.

Yeah he's probably right; I don't know if it's the things I already know. The drug abuse, the constant drinking, the fact he gets angry quick, he treats people like shit, and hangs around people who will lead to his death or another arrest. Maybe there's stuff I don't know, hell maybe he could turn on me and hit me or strangle me like the old days.

Just when I was kissing him and touching him and feeling every scar, burn mark from his dad's cigarettes, and tracing every crap tattoo of his while his fucking weird demon tongue traced over my own tattoos I couldn't really see this as the guy who could just throw me to the ground and hurt me because he could. A dangerous thing to think since it really wasn't that long ago that he was that guy who threw me down stairs and into walls and knocked out my top front teeth and fractured my eyes. He's the reason my thoughts are scrambled, the reason I write in these books, and the reason I'm not all that smart. Just he doesn't look at me, whisper loving and dirty things to me, or touch me like the guy who threw me down stairs and beat on me back when we were just band mates with a fucked up friendship.

I know I remember he wasn't bad when he dated girls; you know for longer than a week. He'd mostly when we got more popular get with actresses and stuff, but he wasn't too bad with them. Nice for him, anyway; like the way he is with me, but he usually drove them crazy with how lazy or stubborn or just fucking bizzare he is. I've known him for half my life, he's as crazy as I am, we can fight for fucking hours over the dumbest shit, but at the end of it we usually end up shagging or drinking and admitting we're both fucking idiots.

Yeah he's got demons, hell he might be a demon, and demons want his soul some day in a far off future that might not happen. Yeah he annoys me and scares me and some part of me does wait for him to punch me or hurt me on purpose because he's drunk or angry or decided he doesn't like me anymore.

Just I stop panicking and thinking about it when he's touching me and it isn't violent and when he's saying things that make me blush and my eyes roll back into my head and I can't picture him being that guy who used to hate me.


	47. Chapter 47

Playing shows again has been really great, like I forgot how sort of like therapy this is for my mind off of everything for an hour or two. Nobody has really said much or asked much about the funeral or about Murdoc going with me or why I'd been angry at him or why we seem fine again now that we've come back.

We've only got a couple more shows left and then we'll go back to Kong and start doing videos. I like making videos, sort of, Muds fucking hates it. Even though he usually takes charge of the whole thing; he's sort of like a kid when it comes to the band and what we do with every little thing. He just bitches and yells a lot until we finally agree to let him take over nearly everything. Except Noodle seems to not let him do it so much as she did when she was younger. I'm noticing she's taking more charge actually...Not that I mind, I mean he's usually really drunk and I've never seen him really argue or fight a girl about anything. He'll drive women insane, grope them, cat call, and other stupid shit but he never hurts, threatens, or fights with them. Especially with Noodle; he just goes with shit then goes to drink and bitch about nobody giving him any respect.

It'll be nice to get privacy again, well as private as we get. I mean in hotels and venues there isn't too much privacy; in the hotels we just hope our room is far away from Noodle and Russel's room. It's not like the only thing we do is have sex, I mean we can talk and stuff...We do that a lot, but he's like a sodding sex addict or whatever and I really just enjoy shagging him...Not like I need a reason to have sex with my secret boyfriend anyway.

We haven't argued or been pissed at each other since we've gotten back. He doesn't talk shit about me just to make people think he doesn't give a damn about me. He just ignores them, same with girls who hit on him he just ignores them even though that really pisses a lot of them off.. He takes more risks with me lately; he's more willing to kiss me in public, take me into alleyways that are lit where people can see us and some probably have caught us. I still wonder if he'll dump me when somebody finds out, it wouldn't surprise me as fucked up as that sounds.

He told me he can't wait to get home just so he doesn't have to be on another plane for a long time.

Russel tried to talk to me yesterday after one of our shows about how I should be careful around Murdoc, that he's heard him on the phone with that Jimmy Manson guy. The usual stuff about how i shouldn't trust him as much as I do, yeah Russ is right, but I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or any of us really. I tried when we got back to our room to ask him about Jimmy; I knew he was still talking to him even after he said that he wouldn't be, but there are a lot of people he said he wouldn't talk to anymore. People who keep trying to kill him and sue him, but he always says not to worry about that shit because it's fine; he always has shit under control and there's nothing for me to worry about. With Jimmy he seems less sure about that; he asked how I knew he was still talking to him. I told him Russ heard him and besides I knew anyway, I was just curious why he was still talking to the dude; I mean he's fucking mad as a hatter y'know.

Muds told me it's just some business shit he's taking care of and that Jimmy is just some harmless old dude too stupid, crazy, and short to really harm anybody. Not like that really stops me from worrying or that it'll make Russ any less pissed off, but at least he isn't totally lying to me.. He could have just told me Russ is crazy and full of shit like he usually does.

It'll be nice to be back home, everything just seems a bit less stressful when we're at home. Less hiding, less band mates giving odd looks like they know something is going on and they want to have an intervention about it. I know they would, especially Russ; he doesn't like Murdoc...Possibly less than he used to if that was even possible, not that Murdoc really likes him all that much.


End file.
